THECURSINGCOOK.COM

You know your missing spring when all your meals are veggies

The Cook — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 02:33:00 GMT

So i designed a recipe based on some of the ideas I got out of Food Rules by Micheal Pollan. There are alot of really interesting ideas in that book. I revamped the recipe after I made it the first time. I'll give you the edits after the recipe.

Roasted Root Vegetables with Pasta in a Roasted Garlic & White Wine Sauce

Veggies:
Carrots
parsnip
celery root
sweet potatoes (Or regular ones if you prefer)
corn
cauliflower
broccoli
Garlic, crushed

Sauce:
Small Diced Mushrooms (portabella, shitake, oyster whatever you like)
Small Diced Shallots
whole head of garlic for roasting
White wine
4 or so Sprigs of Thyme, stripped from the stems
2 TBS Butter
3/4 Cup of Heavy Cream or Half & Half (room temp-ish)
1 Whole Lemon, juiced
White Pepper
Dash of Nutmeg

Cut just the top off a head of garlic. Place in the middle of a piece of foil. Drizzle with olive oil and wrap up. Toss in oven and roast until smooshy.

Take all cylinder like veggies and make coins of them. Peel and chunk Sweet taters and celery root and piece out the broccoli and cauliflower. Coat it all in olive oil, garlic and kosher salt, roasted at 350, tossing once or twice to make sure nothing sticks and everything gets good color. Maybe 45 min or so. The corn will not take as long to roast so toss that in about the last 20 minutes or so.

Whist they roast boil your noodlies. I'm going to recommend a small noodle. Pastina or orrechi, maybe macaroni, Alphabets even, just until cooked through. Aaaaaand drain, reserving 1 cup of cooooking liquid.

To Mak-a Da Sauce!

Get your head of Garlic out of the Foil wrapper. It's gonna be slimy. Squeeze all the garlicy goodness into your pan for the sauce. Add your butter and smoosh the garlic and butter together as it melts. Once its all incorporated toss in your onion and mushrooms and sprinkle with a dash of kosher salt. It helps the mushrooms release the liquid in em. Swish em around to get every one coated in buttery goodness. Lid that bitch and let it cook (Pay attention so as not to burrrrn Ze Onions!), give them a swirl every so often. Once the onions are translucent and the mushrooms look a little wilty pour in a cup or so of white wine and 4 or so sprigs of thyme leaves. Bring it to a slow boil and slightly reduce the sauce, about 10 minutes. Reduce heat to a simmer.... wait until it's no longer boiling (*IMPORTANT do not pour in milk products while it boiling) and slowly, stirring constantly stir in the heavy cream, then the lemon juice and season to taste with white pepper and a dash of nutmeg. Taste for salt.

Turn the heat off. Get your veggies out of the oven and dump in with drained pasta and top with the sauce. Wah-la! it's food!

You could eat it as is, or pour it into a casserole and top with bread crumbs or crushed roasted veggie ritz (my fav) on top with a little parm and toss it back in the oven to get a nice crust.

It could be a main dish!

It could be a side dish!

You could add Chicken if you desire meat.

You could have it with Fish.

Or with a steak. Whatever you choose!

I read something recently which strikes a cord with me.

Eat Food. Mostly Plants.* The author stipulates that the food we eat isn't food anymore, that it's so over processed it's no longer good for us. And also that Meat shouldn't be the main portion of a meal, that traditionally meat was a treat. Once maybe twice a week you'd have Chicken. So, I'm going to make an effort to eat better.

More Veggies, Less Meat.

*Food Rules, Micheal Pollan

I found the parsnip to be better on the side than mixed in but otherwise a tasty dish!

Next up I'll be competing against My Beloved Husbands Mom-Mom's infamous meatloaf. Wish me luck and V8.

Mmmmm.... Shanky goodness

The Cook — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 20:52:00 GMT

Here's What You Need...

4 Beef or Veal Shanks

1 big ass can of tomato sauce

4- 5 carrots

2 onions

TBS garlic

salt & pepper

parsley

oregano

2 cups White Wine

Stock

Rinse and pat dry your shanks. Liberally salt and pepper them.

Heat olive oil in the bottom of your dutch or oven safe pan. Place shanks season side down to brown. Season other side while we wait.... and FlIP! Do 2 at a time, or however many you can get flat in your pan. Mine were LARGE.

Set them aside for now.

Once they are all browned saute the carrots, onion, and garlic for 10 minutes or so. Toss in the wine to deglaze.. stir cook cook....add the tomato sauce and stirrrrrrr some more.....

Once it's all combined return those shanks to the pan making sure everyone gets a good dunk in the sauce. Add stock to get to where you need to be, about all the way covered.

Pop it in the oven at 275 for round about 2 1/2 hours. Make sure to check the liquid levels during the cooking. The occasional baste might be necessary.

Make sure you don't dump the marrow out during all the jostling. It really is delicious, Mmmmmmm.... I was always afraid it'd be gritty but it was lovely. I served this with well seasoned rice, but you could do buttered egg noodles too.

It has a very clean simple taste, if you are looking for a more complex dish you'll need to spice it up. A little red pepper flake, a bay leaf, some fresh thyme or sage (or BOTH) some roasted veggies.... the possibilities are endless!

Ya know I forgot something.

The Cook — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 15:02:00 GMT

This is going to sound sooooo cliché! So bourgeois! I watched that damned movie, Julie & Julia and don't you know it made me acknowledge what I'm doing wrong. I forgot I don't always get it right on the first try. I don't always make the perfect chicken or perfect soup and I have melt downs and MAN do I toss shit that comes out terrible. And even my fool proof recipes are some times not fool proof. It doesn't make me a bad cook. We all have bad days or bad ingredients. No Kidding huh?

I was tempted to post this recipe and go with it, but there is trial and error to tell you about. The first time I roasted whole carrots and the second time I diced them and saute'd them with onions until they were soft. I think I prefer the roasted variety, they aren't so sweet and this soup has plenty of sweet. It was plenty good as a sweet soup with The Scientist's garlic naan, but I prefer a roastier flavor that you get with roasted chunks of carrot.

Never be afraid to change a recipe to suit you! Even now I am considering GARLIC Roasted carrots for a rounder flavor, maybe with WHOLE CLOVES of garlic or even a WHOLE HEAD roasted and blended in! Who knows! I am,sometimes, such a rebel ya know.... A down right Maverick if you will, don'tcha know. The possibilities are endless.

Maybe the most important thing for you to know:

Each recipe you ever come across is just a base, a starting point waiting for you to make it YOUR Recipe.

Change it up to suit you. Never look at a recipe and wonder if yours tastes the way it's supposed to. Do YOU like it? Are the textures and flavors appealing to you? Then it's a hit!

OK, that's my sage advice. Sorry. The movie has made me want to be and do and cook MORE! YAY! *fucking sparklers*

Butternut Squash Soup

Soup

4 Large Shallots, or 1 Large Onion Diced

1 - 2 Garlic Cloves, Minced

3 Medium Carrots

1 Large Butternut Squash (or 2 Small), Halved

Veggie Stock ( or chicken, that'll work too)

1/4 TSP Nutmeg, Cinnamon, Ginger (dry or paste)

4 or 5 Sprigs of Thyme stripped from the woody stem

1 TBS Curry (or to taste. I use 2 TBS)

2 TBS Buttah

Salt and White Pepper to Taste

¼ Cup Heavy Crème

¼ Cup White Wine

Soup

Pre-heat Oven to 375

Slice your squash in half and poke holes in the outer skin. Olive oil your sheet and all sides of the squash. Roll your carrots around in the olive oil. Roast for 45 minutes then allow to cool so they are handleable.

While that roasts dice your onion/shallot & garlic. Toss those all in a big ass stock pot on low with 2 to 4 TBS Olive Oil and 2 TBS buttah and swirl em around. The onions and garlic should get nice and translucent. Once everyone is well on their way add 1 cup of the stock and your Thyme, 1/2 of the curry, nutmeg, cinnamon and ginger. Simmer until everything is nice and soft. Add ¼ Cup Wine and ¼ cup half and half or real heavy cream (you may want to hold some back to get just the right consistency) and puree either with an Immersion blender or wait until you add the Roasted Squash* (which should be right about now) swirl it around so everyone is combined and blend it in batches in your blender. Make sure it's nice and smooth and throw it back in the pot to continue heating. Add stock to get just the right velvety consistency. Make sure it's not so thick it will burn in the bottom of the pan. I like to toss it in a crock pot and let it heat on low until I am ready to eat.

NOMNOMNOM.

This is a very sweet soup so make sure you have something tangy or savory to go with it. I added a dollop of soup cream but you could easily use Greek yogurt too, and The Scientist made Garlic Naan…. Mmmmmm. Or crispy fried sage leaves would be very tasty also….

Orrrr..... Parmessan crisps...... or Provalone Crisps....

Orrrr What would you suggest???

Remember that eating should ALWAYS be a Joy. Never, no matter how *bad*, don't enjoy some part of your food.

Does anyone else think it's weird Vegie Tales sing about eating bunnies?

The Cook — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 17:00:00 GMT

The Bunny, the bunny, whoa I love the bunny
I don't love my mom or my dad, just the bunny
The Bunny, the bunny, Yeah I love the bunny
I gave everything that I had for the bunny

I don't want no heath food when it's time to feed
A big bag o' bunnies is all that I need
I don't want no buddies to come out and play
I'll sit on my sofa eat bunnies all day
I wont go to church and I wont go to school,
that stuff is for sissys, but bunnies are cool!

Girls in backround:

I don't want no pickles, I don't want no honey, I just want a plate and a fork and a bunny
I don't want a tissue when my nose is runny, I just want a plate and a fork and a bunny
I don't want to tell you a joke that is funny, I just want a plate and a fork and a bunny
I don't want to play on a day that is sunny, I just want a plate and a fork and a bunny

The Bunny, the bunny, whoa I love the bunny
I don't love my mom or my dad, just the bunny
The Bunny, the bunny, Yeah I love the bunny
I gave everything that I ha-a-a-aaaad fo-or the bu-unneeee!!

Oh that bunny! He is ever sooooo tasty. I recently was at Qmart with my girlfriend and they had these pretty little bunnies in the deli case and I thought well, Why the heck not? Bon Appetit magazine had a bunny recipe recently! And I have time on my hands and have never had bunny, so I brought a bunny home. Here's what I did.

Take your bunny and turn him into Bunny Bits. I chopped his hoppers off (just like a chicken) then removed the flank steaks off the ribs and turned the spine into 2 pieces. Don't let that spine go to waste, there's loin meat under there. Rinse it all of and check it for fat and hair. Yeahhh.... Bunny Hair. Mix up a simple brine, salt, water, pepper corns, whole grain mustard, you don't need much. Make sure to soak this At Least! Minimum! 24 hours. Especially if it's a wild bunny. They are gamier.

Drain after it's been properly soaked and give it a good rinse. Pat it dry and start heating up your dutch on the stove top. Drizzle in a weeeee bit of olive oil and a teaspoon or so of garlic, just enough to cover the bottom of the pan. While that's warming dredge the bunny bits in some seasoned flour. Salt, fresh cracked black pepper, thyme and flour. Pop those right in the bottom of the pan and let it brown for 3 to 5 minutes per side. Slice a whole onion. Just slice it in half and make thin slices. Pull the bunny bits out of the pan and toss in the onions, a bit more garlic, maybe some added oil if it needs more moisture. Start browning the onions, once they get translucent toss in more flour to make a nice paste. Swirl it around until it's alllll nice and incorporated and put the bunny back in. Add about 1/4 to 1/2 cup of red wine.

MMmmmm...... start drooling. It smells divine.

Now add Chicken or Beef stock just to cover and put the lid on.

Hop that bunny right on in to the oven and let him get yummy for about 2 1/2 hours at 250 degrees. Low and slow, ya know?

After about 2 1/2 hours you can pull some of the juice out and make a lovely lovely gravy. Mix some cornstarch in and Wah-La! Hippity Hoppity Gravy!

I like to serve this with some roasted veggies with olive oil and kosher salt and a salad or some jasmine rice and broccoli.

Mmmmm yummy! Don't forget to boil down the remaining stock and freeze it. It's yummy yummy and would be great in beef stew later on. Keep the bones in the freezer for the next time you make more stock!

Here's the ingredients list.

A Bunny

An Onion

Flour

Red Wine

Chicken Stock

Salt, pepper, thyme, garlic, whole grain mustard

Olive Oil

Cornstarch

Big Ass Dutch.

That's it, that's all you need for a wonderful bunny meal!

Glumpies. Sounds Dirty but Oh Sooooo Goooooood!

The Cook — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 02:53:00 GMT

One Large Head of Cabbage, Cored
One Lb Of Beef
One Tube Of Sausage
1 Medium Onion, Diced Small
Garlic to taste
Salt & Pepper to taste
Worshirshire to taste
A TBS Smoked paprika
A Dash of Red Pepper flake
Bacon to drape across
1 large can Spagetti Sauce

(Most People Add day old, or cooled rice. I do not find it necessary.)

Set a Large pot on the stove to boil and drop in your cabbage. Boiling make the leaves more pliable and easier to peel off the head.

While that heats up mix snausage,onion, and all seasonings in a big bowl. Smoosh it together with your hands. It's FUN!

Make sure to have some Dawn dish soap on hand for washing your Phlangies. Hot water and Dawn takes the grease outta your way!

Pull some leaves off your cabbage keep them warm in the hot water but no need to cook them all the way. Just until they peel off the head easily and are bendy enough to roll up.

Take your casserole pan and you can do one of two things. Line the bottom with more cabbage leaves or just rub some veggie oil around to make sure they don't stick.

Grab a meat ball sized glob of meat and roll it into a oblong roll. Tuck it into a bendy cabbage leaf and roll it up tucking all the edges in like you are swadling a babe. A Meaty Meaty Babe....

Plop that bad boy into the casserole and continue until full. Once you have your dish full of meaty goodness drape uncooked bacon across the tops and dump a can o'basketti sauce over the top. Make sure everyone gets covered, you may have to add some water to the can and pour it over top.

Now tin foil the top and pop that baby in the oven at 350 for about an hour and twenty.

Make a salad and get some bread cuz now it's time to eaaaaaaat!

Super secret. If you have extra meat left over ( I always do) roll them up and plop them in muffin tins and bake em. It makes great meatballs too. You can freeze em and have meatball sammiches later! Pop em out of the freezer into a pan, pour some basketti sauce in there and reheat. Meatballs for Sammiches, or basketti!

Is it cold at your house? It's cold here....

The Cook — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 18:26:00 GMT

OK. That's it. It's cold and I don't like it. Not one bit! So we're gonna make some easy peasy chicken and dumplings. Super easy to make and very time efficient. Now if you've been paying any attention at all you should have all the stuff to make your own chicken stock, or have some frozen. Need a refresher? Go back and read the beginning of this one. No worries, I'll wait.

*elevator music*

OK! So now you are either getting your stock out, tossing all the stuff you've been saving into a pot (save your scraps dummy!), or are heating and using that canned crap. Note! If you are using the canned stuff get it on the stove and simmer it with much fresh thyme, sage and rosemary if you have it. Trust me.... it will make it allllll better! Here's the other crap you'll need o make this delishious warming food.

Chicken. Duh.
Celery
Carrots
Onion
Garlic
thyme, rosemary and sage. I just love that combo.
And a biscuit mix. Whatever you have will do. Or make your own!
I like herbed biscuits, but you could add cheese..... MMMMmmmmmmm.......

As your broth simmers and melds go ahead and choppity chop. Make everything a nice uniform size. Chop up all your fresh herbs, and dice the garlic too. 6 or so sage leaves, 6 or so thymes stripped from the woody stems, and 2 or 3 rosemaries stripped from the woody stems. Chop chop chop them into nice fine pieces. Mmmmm........

Toss your chicken and carrots in first. They need to cook longer than the other junk. Give em about 20 minutes or so before you toss in your soft veggies garlic and herbs. Reserve some of your herbs to put in the dumplings (or chop up some more), whatever combo you like. Bring it to a nice simmer and walk away for a bit. Maybe another 20 min or so...

Mix up your dumplings and toss in your herbs. Make sure your stuff is all thoroughly mixed.

Get 2 spoons and start dropping them into the simmering soup. Repete until all your mix is in and put a lid on it. Be careful you don't boil it over, but let it simmer until you see the little buggers popping back up to the top and floating. About 20 minutes to a half hour.

Now you eat!

That Scientists Special Dinnah

The Cook — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 22:03:00 GMT

I'd like to introduce someone to you. This is My Scientist.

She lives next door to me and has a dinosaur in a cage.

As a rule she's a pretty awesome lady.

You can tell cuz she lets me take pics of her in my dad's old wool suit. Pretty sweet, No?

She cooked for The Grump and I the other night and let me tell you, it was Fantastic! This might be the best way I have ever seen to use pork. Trust me it's awesome. Let me turn the typing over to her and she can tell you step by step how to make this dish.

This is an amazing recipe that makes people think you slaved for hours over a hot stove, when in reality, there's about 10 minutes total active time. Born out of my and my mothers love for all things pig related, this is an all-time favorite, and since it can be made the night before, it's great for parties when you don't want to do tons of work when yours guests are hanging around (that means more time for wine!). This recipe has a built-in cheat, which was added specifically with the party in mind. While you can make a real sauce out of the pan liquid, the spice packet does the trick just wonderfully, and has become part of my standard prep.

Whenever I made this for a party or a group of friends, I always get asked about how to make this, and everyone's always surprised at how simple it was. In fact, when I was in line at the grocery store buying goods to make this for Da Cook, I got into a conversation about what I was making with the checkout girl, and then was approached by the woman who was checking out in the line next to me. She came right up and said "repeat EVERYTHING you just said." I told her the recipe, and all wide-eyed, she said, "I'm going to make that this weekend!" It's just that good. Even strangers and checkout girls love it.

Pork Wrapped Pork Recipe

4 pork tenderloins
1 medium onion
1 jar whole grain French mustard
1/2lb bacon (specialty if possible, I prefer thinly sliced applewood smoked)
1 packet McCormick peppercorn or garlic steak sauce
salt &peppr

Preheat oven to 325. Rinse and pat dry pork tenderloins and trim excess fat. I usually remove the silverskin on the pork for my texture preference, but you don't have to. Don't remove all the fat though, that'll ruin the flavor. Place tenderloins in a roasting pan. If you're using a non-stick pan, put a little olive oil down first to make sure it doesn't stick. Season with salt (not too much) and pepper and spread a thick layer of mustard over the top of the tenderloins. Thinly slice the onion and put about 2/3 of the onions on the mustard covered tenderloins. Place bacon in layers over the top of the onions. Place the rest of the onions over the top of the bacon.

Place pork in the oven and roast for about 1-2 hours, depending on the thickness of the tenderloins. If you're using thick bacon, you can turn the heat up to 350 to get the bacon nice and crispy.

When the pork has finished cooking, remove it from the pan and slice it into 1" thick medallions (slice the bacon right on top of it, tongs help out a lot in this situation). Use the liquid from the pan to mix up the sauce packet per directions on the packet. I know the recipe calls for steak sauce, not pork sauce, but this is a tried and true addition.

Put the sliced pork and the sauce back in the roasting pan and toss together until coated. Cover the pan in foil and let it sit in the oven. If you have a lot of extra work for your side dishes at this point, I would turn the oven off to make sure it doesn't dry out. At this point, the pork is ready to serve whenever you are ready to eat it.

Notes:

I've made this dish the night before an event and it's held up perfectly. Cook as directed, slice and toss with sauce, and then refrigerate. The pork can then be reheated and served and it tastes as good if not better than fresh cooked. Time improves the flavor of the dish. It's also great as cold leftovers on a nice crusty roll the next day.

I like to try different kinds of specialty bacon for this dish. Check your butchers case and see what they have available. I usually buy the equivalent of about a 1.5-2 inch stack of slices of bacon. You can use more or less depending on taste preference.

Be careful with the amount of salt you add, because both the bacon and the sauce packet will add a good amount of salt to the dish.

So there you go! Go make pork and be fruitful!

French Apple Pie

The Cook — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 02:18:00 GMT

Ahhhh fall. Thanksgiving! Food! Putting on our 'Winter Coats' so to speak.

I don't think I know anyone who doesn't like Apple pie. Especially French Apple Pie. An this is designed to be served with a twist! Once it's out of the oven you serve it up side down!

As our beloved Shirley Temple might say..

Oh My Goodness.. Oh MY GOODness!

Here's the flavor factor!

Pie:

6 apples (I used 3 Granny Smith and 3 Mackintosh) I like to mix it up. I'm frisky like that.
1/2 Cup Granulated Sugar
1/2 Cup Brown Sugar
2 TBS of Flour
Vanilla, Cinnamon, Pumpkin Pie Spice to taste
Pre-made pie crust (The Heresy!)

Topping:

1 Cup of Pecans
1/2 Cup Brown Sugar
3 TBS Flour
4 TBS melted buttah

Parchment paper
Spring form pan

Peel and thinly slice all six apples. I like to take 2 big bowls into the living room and watch TV while I peel into one and slice the apples into the other. Just make sure to pay attention when you are slicing them so you don't poke yourself. No one likes blood in their pie.

Ok. Maybe Vampires and Stephen King. Maybe They Do. No one else though. Swear. 'Specially not Grandma's.

After your apples are peeled toss all the pie ingredients together.

Move along here. Nothing to see....

Grab your spring form pan and line it with one big sheet of parchment paper, waxy side up please. Pre-Heat Oven to 350.

In a separate bowl mix the brown sugah, pecans, flour, and butter until well incorporated. Pour it into the lined spring form pan and place Pre-made (I know I am such a cheater!) pie shell on top with edges hanging over (just slightly or as close as you can get).

Arrange apple slices in layers, don't just pour them in. Please layer them. The pie sets better, it cuts better and it holds up better if the slices are layered. I know it takes waaaaay longer than just dumping the bowl but you have a much prettier pie.

Once they are all in ( or almost all, I can never fit every last one) we need to stick the top on. Make sure to crimp the 2 together not over the lip of the Spring form. You'll want to take that part off at some point.

Poke some pretty (or not so pretty) holes in the top. Remember, ideally we are going to flip this bitch so the top becomes the bottom. Ideally!

Bake for about an hour.

In the last 10 min. or so do up an egg wash. What's an egg wash you ask?? Well, goodness sake! You take an egg and separate it from the yolk. Whisk the white with a little water until it's frothy. Get your BBQ brush and slime the top of your pie and dust with white sugar. It'll get shiny and sparkly. Bake the remaining 10 minutes and get her outta the oven.

Now you are done for about a day. Let it cool until it's chill enough to go in the fridge. Leave it cool over night.

This is where it becomes your choice. To flip or not to flip?? I opted not to flip it.

The next day (flipped or unflipped) you can pop the spring form ring. MMmmmm....

Slide the ring off and Voila! You have Deep Dish French Apple Upside Down Pie! (Or not so upside down... whatever!)

Serve with Vanilla ice cream and Hot Coffee with Heavy Cream. Mmmm.....

French Toast Puffs

The Cook — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:07:00 GMT

Ahhh breakfast! The most important meal of the day. Well, closer to brunch of me, but never you mind! We're going to talk about a delish little thing I call Stuffed French Toast Puffs. Oh you can make em sweet or savory, crispty crunchy or ooowey gooey, they're alllll Yummy In The Tummy. Today we're gonna talk about my sweet ones.

1 whole loaf Cinnamon Raisin Bread day old or toasted(With or Without Nuts!) Torn into bite size pieces
12 Eggs
1 Cup Milk (or heavy cream....Ohhh the richness!)
4 TBS Brown Sugah
2 TBS Vanilla
Cinnamon, nutmeg, pumpkin pie spice to taste. (At least 3 or 4 good shakes of each)

Delish Filling:

2 Bricks of Smooshy Cream Cheese
1 Cup Powdered Sugar
Cinnamon, nutmeg and pumpkin pie spice
1/3 Cup Frozen Berries

Start the night before and tear or cut your bread into chunks. Lay it all out in a single layer on a cookie sheet and let it air dry or pop in the oven at 200 and toss every 20 minutes until everyone is all crispity dry.

NOW! To the fun part! Get out your Jumbo Muffin Tin. (Should be 6 muffin holes) Gently grease each tin. Toss in enough bread pieces to cover or almost cover each bottom.

In a separate bowl whisk 6 eggs and pour in 1/2 cup milk, 1 TBS Vanilla, 2 TBS Brown Sugah and spices. Mmmmm..... Spices.

Spoon or drizzle egg mix over dry breads in the cup, no need to cover all the breads. We're gonna put stuff on top of them.

While they soak were gonna mix up the stuff to stuff em with, and it will be fan-tab-oulous!

Get another bowl (I know! Messy right?!?!) and toss your cream cheeses and give em a mix with your mixer until they aren't shaped like bricks anymore. Put in the 1/3 powdered sugar (at a time) along with the spices and vanilla until all incorporated. Taste an make sure it's sweet enough. You can alway add more sugar. God Knows Breakfast Needs More Sugar, right?
Once that's all mixy mixed gently fold in your berries. I like the frozen assortments, but not strawberries. Those chunks are too big.

Before you start dolloping your puffs take the remaining ingredients, 6 more eggs, milk, vanilla, spices and sugar and toss in the remaining bread bits. Make sure to give them a stir and get every one in the mix.

Pre heat oven to 350. Now, it's time to droooooooooooooool.

Dollop a hefty spot of cream cheese mix in the center of eeeeeach preeeeeetty muuffffiiiiiin.

Now reach your hand into that goooey mess of egg and bread mix. Pull out just enough for the top of every one. Then top them off with the liquid left in the bottom. Make sure they all get some.

Now pop em in the oven and bake them for about 25 minutes. Watch em. Just crispy on top and golden all over like french toast. MMMmmmm.....

Pop them outta the oven and slide those beauties out of the tin and place it on a lovely plate. You could put some Syrup on it or some jam. Either way, or plain they are Looooovely.

MMMmmmmmm.... brunch!

Cold Weather Food

The Cook — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 00:28:00 GMT

Oh Dear.

Good Grief.

My weather has already started changing.

Poo. I hate that.

I want to run behind summer shouting over the roar of the car motor "Don't move! Don't leave me! I love you" and Summer slowly dwindles in the distance waving her bright sunny arm all the while.

I hate that smell. You know the smell. You walk outside in the early morning or late night and you can smell fall, and sometimes even winter. Blah.

The only good thing about it getting colder is you get to eat hotter food. Heavier food. Mmmmm......

Shepards Pie

Chicken and Dumplings

Stews and Soups

Casseroles

And Lasagne.

            With Lusciuos, Buttery, Garlic Bread!

I like to make it the night before so I can throw it in the oven when I get home and in about a hour and a half I have dinner with no work!

Here's the stuff for a Big Ass Lasagne

1 lb Ground beef
1/2 lb Sweet Eye-talian Sausage (or whatever floats your boat, sausage-wise that is)
2 cans o'sauce of your choice
1 yegg
1 bag O'Shredded Monster-ella
Fresh Parm. About 1/2 cup
1 big ass container of Riccotta
                                                **************NOTE*******************
                                               Do Not Use Skim Milk Riccotta. You are just cheating youself.    If you use Cottage
                                               Cheese you should be shot. Why would you ruin your food intentionally????
                                               When you can answer that you cottage cheese users and I can talk.

Noodlies. Use regular ones and I'll teach you how to use em just like those fancy schmancy oven ready ones. I use about 3 per layer.
An Onion, diced
Garlic to Taste
Salt and Fresh Cracked Pepper
A drizzle o'Earl. Doesn't matter what kind really.

First, get your big noodle pot and fill it with hot ass water and toss your noodles in to soak. No heat or boiling nesessary. A possible water change is though. You want them pretty flexy and pliable, but not boiled soft.

As your noodlies soak, fry up your onions and garlic for 3 or 4 minutes, the toss in your beef and snausage. Make sure to mash with a fork the whole time. Snausage can turn into a lump. Once cooked drain in a collander.

Place your pan back on the stove and pour in a container of sauce, refill the container 1/4 with water and pour in. Toss in your drained meat.

                                                    Huh. hahaha..... HA. I said Drained Meat. I make myself laugh like a 12 year old boy.

Stir it around then pour in your other can o'sauce reserving 1/4 in the can. Stir again.

Dump your ricotta into a mixing bowl, salt, pepper, garlic powder and your yegg. Stir until well combined.

Now! YOU ARE READY TO CREAAAAAAATTTTTTEEEEEE!

Drizzle about 2 TBS of Earl into your casserole and smear it around with a paper towel. Make sure to get the sides. DISCARD TOWEL. Duh.

Toss is the reserved sauce and shake dish until evenly distributed on the bottom o'pan.

Layer in 3 noodles and top with Riccotta mix. I find using a rubber scraper to smear the cheese mix on the noodles. It takes some finness, them noodles are slippery bastards.

Sprinkle with Monster-ella and layer with more noodlies. Then add in your super awesome meat sauce. Make sure it's covered pretty well. Dust with your parm. Ok. Pour it all in. Add more monster-ella and noodles.

Now. This is a personal choice. I like to add more sauce and dollop the rest of the riccotta mix on. You could certainly change that and do Riccotta first then top with sauce.

Either way I like to cover it in foil and refridgerate it over night before I bake it. Let everything get all smooshy together and friendly like.

When I get home from work the next day I get a cookie sheet out and put the lasagne on it.

Pop it in the overn and let it warm up with your oven. I cook at 350 for about an hour and a half. That last half hour I pull the foil off and top with Monsterella.

Drool and do the hungryhungry dance.

Make the Garlic bread.

Your stuff:

1/2 Loaf Crust Eye-talian or French bread. Preferably, fresh.

1 Whole Stick o'Buttah

3 TBS of chopped garlic. I like the jarred crap.

1 teaspoon Garlic powder. Oh yes. You want it.

1 tsp Salt and a little fresh cracked pepper. 3 or 4 twists on the cracker.

More Monster-ella

Leave your buttah out to soften. Nice and smooshy. Don't microwave it if you can help it. I'm convinced it does something to the butter, seperates it somehow.

Toss your garlic, garlic powder, salt and pepper into the butter and smear it around until well combined.

Cut your bread in half and smear the garlic goodness on there. Mmmmmmm.... pop it in the oven to toast up.

Go back and sit in your chair and cry becausse you houe smells wonderful.

Start checking after 10 minutes and pull the lasgane out of the oven to let it rest. Just like meat.

Once the bread browns a wee bit, about 15 minutes pop it out and cover the top in monster-ella and back in the oven.

OMG OMG. Wait. Find something to do. Bite your nails. Work out.

As soom as the cheese has melted and browned up just a touch pull it out and you can eat.

Finally.

It's awesome.

In your mouth. NOMNOMNOM.

A Simple Twist on Chicken Pot Pie.....

The Cook — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 00:09:00 GMT

Ok. I know it totally sucks some nights. You come home from work after an exhausting day...
But, You look in the fridge and only have a few basic staples.
Some Chicken, some wilty looking carrots, a bit of onion, celery, cream o'something soup, a bit of milk, some greek yogurt and biscuit mix. What can you make with that that means you won't be eating at midnight?

Pot Pie bitches. That's right, I said it. ya HEARD??

You got the ingriendients list already but I'll measure it out for ya.....

Pie Part:
As much chicken as you have handy. I used 5 thighs but I'm a rebel. You could also use a couple of boobies, or one of those grocery store roasters...
4 or 5 carrots. REAL CARROTS PLEASE. None of those baby carrots. Those are for assholes.
3 or 4 Celery Sticks
1 Medium Onion
1/2 bag Frozen Peas
Fresh Corn if you have it
Some left over white wine that's been in the fridge for a week...
And herbs and seasonings
2 TBS Buttah and some flour

Get your chicken and turn it into chunks. If it's raw we need to start there.

Oil your big ass pan and heat it up at just above medium. Toss in the Chicken and 2 teaspoons of chopped garlic.
Stir vigioursly with a wood stirring implement.

While that cooks through turn the carrots into sticks, then into chunks and toss em in the pan with the partially cooked chicken. Swish em with your stick then go back to your cutting.

Onion and celery come next. Give em a nice dice. Divide the big ends of the celery before your dice.

Now your chicken and carrots should be in the pan for about 5 to 7 minutes at the most ya?

Move all the bits outta the way so you have a clear space in the middle and toss your butter and 4 or 5 TBS of flour and just work that around with your wood implement till it's most all worked together. Once that's all gooey like a lovely Roux should be, pour in 1/4 to 1/2 cup of wine and work that around. It should get pasty almost immediately.

Toss in your Peas,Onion and Celery, your Cream O'soup, and 3/4 soup can of M-A_L-K and stir it around until all the cream stuff and M-A-L-K are incorporated. Add in 8 or so turns of fresh cracked black pepper, Dried Thyme and Dried Sage to taste, and salt to taste. Turn off the heat and get out The Big Casserole Dish.

Pour it in and pop it in the oven at 350 for 20 minutes.

While that's a'cookin' you make the biiiiiscuits!

So simple,so easy.

Topping stuff

Biscuit mix (Bisquick, Jiffy, OR home made drop biscuits)
Greek Yogurt
Milk
Fresh Sage (or other herbs, fresh or dried.)

For 2 cups of biscuit mix
1 cup greek yogurt
4 or 5 Tablespoon finely chopped sage
Black Pepper
Once it's all mixed add milk by the TBS full until it's a good pastey and drop biscuity.

Pop that bitch outta the oven again and add the biscuit by the spoonful to the top. You shouldn't be able to cover the top, just make it like cobbler. Most everything gets covered.

Back into the oven we go for about 25 minutes, on a tray this time. You may wanna cover it with foil before you put the casserole on it.

At the 25 minute mark start tappin' the biscuits. It should be a nice hollow sound, dense, but hollow. I recommend about 30 minutes if you can without burning. Taste-ah.

Get it outta the oven and do the "But I Wanna Eat It Noooow Dance"

Burn your mouth at least once.

Be Very Very happy with yourself for making such a nice, simple meal.

Plan to eat many many leftovers in the days to come .

OMG OMG OMG

The Cook — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 00:22:00 GMT

OK. So I am going to give you THE BEST CAKE EVER recipe. Totally super duper easy to make too. I am working on a version that doesn't use boxed cake mix (we're gonna eat a lot of cake soon) but for now I have to share the easy peasy version.

First I must acknowledge where I got the recipe. My friend Daiya made these in cupcake form for my hubs birthday this year and they were awesome. In her recipe she used whipped topping and I think sour cream for the frosting. I like cream cheese frosting better, with a super secret addition. Here we go.

Cake Stuff:

1 Orange Supreme cake mix
1 small box Orange Jello

Frosting:

3 Philly Cream Cheese's
Powdered sugar
OJ
The Secret Ingredient!

DUUUH douououou DUUUUUUUUH!

Cheese Cake Pudding Mix

Follow the directions on the cake mix and bake it in two 9 inch pans. (Use non stick pans, or flour your pans. No sticky cake kids) When you pull it out of the oven poke it alllllll over with a toothpick. Everywhere. While you're poking boil 1 cup of water. Once it's a nice boil put it in a mixing cup (with a pour spout and handle) and mix it with the J-E-L-L-O! Now pour half over each cake. Gently! It won't all soak in right away. Now, chill those puppies for at a very minimum 2 hours!

While you wait you can make the frosting. Start with your cream cheese's at room temp, or at least mushy. Toss them in a big ol'bowl and add 1/4 to 1/2 cup powdered sugar. It really depends on how slow your slow speed is on your mixer. Go slow so you don't get powdered sugar allllll over you, your kitchen, the shelves, the top of the fridge.... This will get a weee bit pasty so TBS by TBS add some OJ. Don't forget to mix in your Cheese cake Pudding. OOOooohhhhh.... droooooool........ Once it's all mixed let it set. If it needs a little more liquid to be good and spready go ahead and add some more juice. Or a touch of milk.

Now, once the cake is good and cool pop one out of it's pan and put it on your serving platter. Now, drool a little. Spread a good healthy portion of frosting in the middle. (If you're fancy schmancy you cooooould pull 1/3 of the icing and mix in frozen raspberries and spread THAT in the middle of the cake.) Plop the other cake right out of the pan and settle that one on top and finish frosting.

OH MY GOODNESS OH MY GOODNESS!

The deliciousness that will ensue!

I like to refrigerate the cake a'cuz of the cream cheese frosting, but be prepared.

You will not have leftovers!

Chicken Noodle Soup... FROM SCRATCH!

The Cook — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 00:43:00 GMT

Chicken Noodle Soup
Chicken Noodle Soup
Chicken Noodle Soup
Wit A Soda On The Side ..

Ahhh that Webstar. He know'd it. Tru' DAT YO!

Everyone should have a few good chicken soup recipes. Creamy soup, brothy rice soup and a noodle variety are really all you need. They'll take care of your sick days, your rainy chilly days, and your sad days.

Chicken soup is aloe for a burn....
                               A kiss to make it better....
                               The Bandaid for your boo boo.

No shit!

So I'm gonna tell you how to make The Most Fo' Shizzle Chicken Noodle Soup EVAH.

Here's the stuff.

HERBS:
Rosemary
Sage
Thyme

Stock:
2 Shank Bones
1 Whole Chicken
4-5 Stalks of Celery (Broke Up)
4-5 Whole Carrots (Broke Up)
1 Medium Onion (Halved)
2 Lemons (In Thirds)
Liberally Salt & Pepper your chicken.

1 Cheesecloth Packet of:
4-5 Rosemary Stalks
4-5 Thyme (Or Lemon Thyme)
1 Clump of Sage
1 Bay leaf

Water to Cover

Soup Stuff:
3-4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Thighs
4-5 Whole Carrots, Diced
Celery Heart
1 Medium Onion
1 Container Portable Mushroom Slices
1 Bag Whole Wheat Egg Noodles
2 TBS Dried Thyme
DILL (Secret Ingredient!)

Second Herby Packet:
3 Small Rosemary Sprigs
5 Thyme sprigs
1 Sage Clump

Put your Chicken in the middle of your pot and add all the veggies, salt, pepper, and herbs. Top it all off with water. Just till it's covered. Put her on the stove and let her siiiiiiimmmmer. Low low low heat. 2 hours is not really out of the question. Deee-licious.

After about 2 hours turn her off and fetch that chicken outta the pot. Drop it in a strainer and let it and the broth cool a bit. After an hour or so, go ahead and strain the broth out. Toss the shanks and veggies and crap. That's all DONE.    Put the broth in the a-fridge-abator to chill and separate the fat and sediment.

While that's chilling skin and chunk up your whole chicken.    I usually just junk the wings. Not much meat on there. While I am at it I chunk up 3-4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Thighs. Wash The Board! The do all your veggies. I like to dice everything except the mushrooms, but feel free to dice them too!

Pull your broth outta the fridge and scoop the fat offa the top. Pour it back in the stock pot.  While it's re-heating toss the raw chicken chunks it, add the second herby packet. When the chicken is cooked (10 minutes or so) toss in the carrots. Then after 10, the mushrooms and cold chicken chunks. Then after another 10, toss in the onion and celery. You can probably turn off the heat now.

Boil another pot of water and do up the Whole Wheat Noodles. Once they are done toss em in the pot o'soup. Swish em around.

Now for your secret ingredient. Finely chop up 1/4 cup dill. Toss it in. It's a Jew-y soup secret.
Add some dried Thyme if you like. I do.
Let it all marry together and serve pipping hot bowls with toasted pumpernickel bread. Good grief is it ever good.

The Down Home Edition!

The Cook — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 13:42:00 GMT

I've traveled six hours to the North West to celebrate my 30th (OMFG I'm 30?? Shit.) birthday and decided on the trip I'd be doing an episode of The Cursing Cook from my grandma's house since she was one of my cooking influences while I was working my way towards my 30th (OMG) birthday.

She want to go out for my birthday and said No Way Jose! I brought BRISKET! Now I am turning slightly yuppy-esque lately in that I prefer Grass Fed Beef to that awful grain fed, hormone filled crap you get at the store. I know, just slap the shit right outta me will ya? And it ought to be noted I am talking about brisket, and cooking it, at a vegetarians house. Good sport isn't she?   Fair's fair and I'll tell ya allll about the veggies we made too.

And she's trying to make me believe there's Good Macaroni Salad. Pshaw. (Although I will admit I'd eat more of her's.  But only because it's my Grams. And not yellow. YARG)

So for the brisket I made a rub, and because I got drunk the night before we had to vacuum seal it to Flash marinade it. It was still Delicious. Here's the rub I made. It's more of a proportions kind of recipe than measurements. Which is good! It'll help ya'll get the hang of cooking by feel. Have faith. You can do it too!

Any-whozle! The Rub. It's a paste rub but you can mix all the dry bits and only grease it up when you're ready to use it.

Dry Stuff.

Smoked Paprika. No really. It needs to be smoked. It tastes like something that way.
Dill. I KNOW! Sounds weird right?
Fresh Cracked Black Pepper. Get a good grinder. It's worth it.
Powdered Garlic
Dried Onion
Chili Powder
Kosher Salt (1/4 of the amount of all the other dry stuff. No need to make it toooooo salty)

Wet Stuff

Diced, chopped, ground, paste (whatever you have) garlic. 2 or 3 heaping TBS of Garlic
Olive Oil. Enough to make it pastey. Not runny but smearable.

Start by rinsing your meat.

Ha. Hoo..ho. ha. Rinsing you meat. HA. I kill me.

Pat it dry and smear that paste on all sided. You might want a plastic cutting board for this. It's mess-ay.   Either marinade over night or vacuume seal it for as long as you have. This is a long cooker so I hope you started early. Figure on 40 minutes per pound at 300 degrees. Make sure to put it on a rack or boiler pan, tin foil it tightly and check it every now and again. If you start to get burned spots on the bottom of the pan add some water. Scrubbing pans suuuuuuck. Plus you want gravy. I alway start with water in the bottom. It turns to broth. No Shit.

Mmmmm..... Drool. That's really it. So easy. So Good.

NOW! For some SIDE DISHES. Sides are sometimes the hardest to pick. What goes with what meat.... what will every one like.... what isn't going to make you feel like you ate a brick? At Grams it's always easy. VEGGIES!

I did some Roasted Broccoli.
(Broccoli florets coated in olive oil, chopped garlic and dusted with kosher salt. You can even add a dash of chili powder.)

Roasted Cauliflower
(Same same as broccoli.)

Roast both at 350 for 25 to 30 minutes.

Yellow and Green Zucchini
(Olive oil, diced ginger (OOO ZINGY) and roast it off in the oven too. Same bat channel same bat temp)

ALL VEGGIES NEED TO BE FLIPPED AT LEAST ONCE. DO NOT LET THEM STICK. Once they are out of the oven put them in a serving dish (or leave them on the cookie sheets, if you wanna be like me) and sprinkle them with Kosher Salt.

Roseeeeeeeemarty Smashed A-taters
I never peel taters. Cut out the bad bits, chunk em up and boil them bitches. I'm all about the easy.
I prefer fresh rosemary, but this time Mrs. Surra gave us some of her Daughters Dried rosemary. I just poured a little heavy cream in a sauce pan, 1 TBS o'buttah and 3 or 4 big shakes of dried rosemary. Heat it gently and stir it occasionally. No need to boil, just reconstitute the herbies. Once the taters are fall of'in the spork tender, drain and toss back in the pot. Some peeps Rice there taters. I don't have a ricer (yet) so we smash. Add 1/2 to 1 stick oh'buttah, the rest of one of them little heavy creams and the herbed cream on the stove, and salt and pepper it too. Give em a final smash to mix it all together and lid that baby to hold in the heat.

The last hour or so take the tin foil of'in the brisket (Keep the foil, we'll use it again later.) You should salivate just by looking in the direction of the oven.

Once you get it out of the oven move the brisket off the pan and cover it again with your foil. Meat needs to rest. Ten minutes or so should be good. Think of it this way. When you cook meat it's like wringing a wash cloth. The juice gets squeezed out as the meat tightens up. When you let meat rest it's like putting the washcloth down. It unwinds to a more natural position allowing the juice to redistribute. Make sense, no?

Jeez, off track much? NEVER.

I made gravy with the drippings. I made a runny paste out of flour and water first. Drained the broiler pan into a sauce pan and added broth. It will be SUPER salty if you don't add some more broth. Drizzle in the runny paste while whisking vigorously. No Lumps. REAL LOW HEAT helps not make tiny biscuits in your gravy. Tiny bi quits kinda suck.

Now it's time to eat. The brisket should be fork tender. I did slices so everyone could get some of the tasty rub goodness. Load up your plates and dig in. It's almost like a holiday.

WAIT A MINUTE! MY BIRTHDAY SHOULD BE A FREAKIN NATIONAL HOLIDAY!!

I Caught You a Delicious Bass.....

The Cook — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 23:32:00 GMT

So about two weeks ago my dad forwarded me a recipe from Allrecipes.com. We often discuss food we refer to as "Grandma Food". Meaning 'Meatless' food otherwise known as "vegetarian food'. He sent me this recipe and we both agree it was a good jumping off point. Here's what I did.

1 box of Shells
1 box sliced baby Portabellas
1/2 Medium Onion
8 to 10 Asparagus's's's
1/2 Green Pepper
1/2 Red Pepper
1 Small Head Broccoli Florets
1/2 a Large Container Riccotta
1 Small Mozzarella Round
2 bags Shredded Mozzarella
1 Big Ass Jar/Can/Container Basketti Sauce
Salt
Pepper
Worshireshireshire
1/2 Beer

Start ahead with the mushrooms. Chop them all up in a nice uniform dice and toss em in a ziplock with 6 - 8 dashes of worshireshire and half a beer. Put that in the fridge over night.

Now I'm gonna teach you a trick about Asparagus. Take the asparagus by the ends. Bend it until it snaps. The skinny end is what you should eat. Toss the rest. Dice the skinny bits up pretty small. Do the rest of the veggies approximately the same size. You should also only use the broccoli florets in this. The stems are a little woody. Make sure to cut them nice and small. Tiny Little Trees.

Put your big ass pot of SALTED water on to boil. You DO know how to boil noodles don't you????

Get your mushrooms outta the fridge and dump the whoooooole kit and caboodle in a sauté pan (make sure it's big enough for all the veggies). After the first minute or two toss in the rest of your veggies and swish em around until they are soft. Stain them in the sink, toss them back in the pan and afridgabate those bitches. They need to be fairly cool to handle.

While those bits are chilling, get your Ricotta and Mozzarella out. Shred the mozzarella and mix it with the ricotta. Remember to salt them. They are saltless and waiting for the flavah! Fresh cracked pepper too. Once the veggies are cooled toss them in with your cheeeeeses and mix.

I'm going to assume you have your noodles out by now. Sweet baby jesus you should. If you don't you probably have a pot full of mush. They need to be cool enough to handle and not too soft huh? Al dente? Slightly chewy. BUT COOKED THROUGH. If you bite it and it snaps in the middle it ain't done yet. Geez.

Get out whatever pan you're using to cook em in and spray the bottom LIGHTLY with oil then coat with spaghetti sauce. Set that right near you, where ever you'll be assembling your veggie, cheesy pretties. (I used three 9 inch pie rounds)

Fish out one of your shells and pop her open. Sometimes they put up a fight and you need you pry em open. Pricks. Get a regular old spoon out of the drawer and force feed it into them shells. Line them all up in your baking apparatus and does them in moooore basketti sauce and cover in tin foil. Pop em in the oven at 350 for twenty odd minutes then peel the foil and mozzarella the crap outta the top of em. Back in the oven until they are nice and melty. MMmmmmm....

I like this with Garlic Bread. Allow me to recommend you get a loaf of whole wheat Italian bread and cut it in half, a stick of warm buttah, 2 heaping tablespoons of garlic, a dash of salt, a few twists of fresh cracked black pepper and my secret ingredient garlic POWDER. Mix that all together and smear it on both sides, then cover it with MORE Mozzarella. Pop it on a baking sheet and into the oven it goes while the pasta comes out. Re cover the pasta to keep it nice and hot now all you gotta do is wait until the cheese is melty (I KNOW! Always waiting for that bastardly cheese to melt!)

Make up a simple salad and it's dinah bitches!

Please note. I loved mine. They were Delicious. But I forgot to put the asparagus's in there. Which turned out ok because I used them in rissotto tonight but that's a recipe for another day......

Sauce. Glaze. Yummy, tasty, finger lickin' goooooooodness.

The Cook — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 18:00:00 GMT

I made delicious chicken last night. And took Not. One. Picture. Rats.

BUT!

Thats ok. I can tell you how I did it.

Easy peasy.

Fresh herbs. Sage. 6 -10 leaves.

Grey POO-PON grainy mustard.

Local Honey. Get local honey. They say it helps you immunize yourself against pollen. Similar to how a vaccine works. But all natural. YAY. Use about 1/4 cup. That's a lot of honey.

Lime. 1 juicy lime. You could zest it too. I didn't but you could if you like a bit more kick in your shit. I used all the juice.

Buttah. 2 TBS

A touch of Olive Oil.

1 Magic Bullet mixer. I {heart} Mine.

Toss all that shit in the bullet and mix.

Use it on Chicken or turkey. Equally delicious. After the skin has crisped up paint this on the last 10 minutes or so and let it work right on in. *mmmmmm.*

You may notice I added no salt or pepper. This is under the assumption that you liberally salted and peppered your chicken initially. You should, you know. Always dose your chicken or turkey with salt and pepper before you cook it. You should also probably brine it. That makes deeeeeeeeeeeelicious juicy meat.

A Brine is super simple.

1 Gallon water
1 1/2 Cup Kosher Salt (1 cup regular salt)
Lime
Orange
Whatever citrus you happen to have cut in half or thirds
1 Onjion Halved or Thirds
4 or 5 Smashed Garlic Cloves, just put them on The Burgoon Board, lay the knife flat on top of the clove and give it a wack with the heel of your hand. Peels the skin off and gives it a nice smoosh.
Fresh herbs. I like a couple sprigs of Rosemary, and some Sage, Thyme if you have it..
1/2 Cup Brown Sugar.

Put the water in your Big Assed Pot
Turn on the heat
Pour in salt and sugar and stir until dissolved.
Allow to cool. We're not cooking the chicken in this juice, juuuuust letting her soak.
Add your fruits, seasonings, herbs and onjion
Toss in chicken
Toss into fridge for 12 to 24 hours.

Remove chickens from brine when ready to cook. Give em a rinse under the tap and pat em dry.

Now grill or oven roast em as you normally would. You can even make some tasty ass graaaavy with the drippings.

MMmm... Gravy.......

What Says Summer Better Than Boiled Po-Tay-Toes?

The Cook — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 00:57:00 GMT

NUTHIN'.

So get to boilin' bitches. Seriously, if you still buy that yellow tinged tasteless shit from The Market STOP IT RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Do we even know WHY it's yellowish?? I don't fucking think so Batman. YARG.

Here's what you need.

5 LB Bag o'taters. I like red ones, but you could use Yukon Golds, or regular old white taters. What ever floats your boat, or you happen to have handy. Even if they're slightly mushy. If you can squeeeeze em and they seem to be growing weird green sticky things out of them like bug legs they are still ok, not optimal, but ok. Just cut off the bug legs first huh?
1 Big Ass Vidallia. For the uninitiated, that's an onion dummy. Geez.....
1 Celery heart in a bag.
1/2 to 3/4 container of MIRACLE WHIP. Put the 'Salad Dressing' or 'Maaaaayyyyyyyooooooonnaaaaaiiiiise' away. They are bland and oily and down right GROSS.
Salt
Peppa
Old Bay *****CRITICAL SEASONING
Celery Seed ****CRITICAL SEASONING

Possible Additions that are tasty
Broccoli
Cheese chunks
Sweet Relish
Hard Boiled Eggs
Toasted Walnut Garnish
Toasted Almond Slivers
Bacon Bits as a garnish or mixed in. *droooool*
Shredded Carrots
Dry Powdered Ranch Dressing
Honey for just a touch of sweetness.

Start at least one day ahead. This is an easy project but time consuming. And it's better if it sits over night and those tasty taters get to soak up all that flaaaaaaavor.

Rip open the bag of taters next to your sink and get out a colander.
Give em a rinse and with a paring knife cut out the eyes (bug legs) Black Spots and Gouges. Pop em in the colander. No need to skin em, the skin is good for you. Did you know you burn more calories digesting the skin because it's more fibrous and it takes your body more work to turn it into poop?

No Shit.

*Crickets*........ Guess that wasn't as funny as I thought. Moving on......

Get your big pot. Fill it with COLD water, remember to compensate for the amount of taters you are putting in there. Starchy water is a bitch when it's burnt to your stove. Salt it generously. Now Chop your raw taters into average sized bits. No need to be perfect. Just get em all about the same size and small enough to fit in your mouth.

As you chop, toss em in the water. Once you're done and they are all swimming together lid that bitch. Turn the heat ALL THE WAY UP and let her rock and roll. Once it starts to boil slide the lid to the side so there is an air gap of about 1/2 inch. That should help prevent boil over. Remember to give em a swish every own and again and have a fork handy. We're about to stab some bitches.

While those are getting all hot and smushy we need to do some chopping!

Get your Vidallia out and give it a nice sized dice. I like big bits in my tater salad. Do the same with your celery. If your doing broccoli's now would be the time.

*NOTE. Please. I know most of you aren't IDIOTS. Please don't use frozen broccolis. Think before you thaw ok? They will be mushy and probably slimy. Use fresh you lazy fuck, it's not that difficult to chop up. Make sure to chop it into smaller bite size bites ok? No Tater mountains or giant broccoli trees are necessary in this. It's not play food and we will not make Devil's Tower.

(Name the Movie)

After about 10 minutes start poking your taters with a fork. When the tater bite slides off the fork before it's out of the water they are done. Straiiiin those babies and run some COLD water on em. Let them sit and drip for 10 minutes or so, then toss em back in the pot and put it in the fridge. Now walk away.

Watch 2 Tv Sitcoms, or most of a movie. Once the tater bites are nice and chilled, and not just the out side ones we can start ze miiiixingK.

Pull your pot outta the Frigidaire. Dump in Celeries, Onjions, and 1/2 jar of MIRACLE WHIP.

IF YOU USE MAYO YOU HAVE RUUUUUUIIIIINED IT. NO LONGER FOOD. THROW IT A-WAY!

That, in other words, is a Giant Fail Whale.

Give it a stir, careful. Don't mash em. You don't want mashed taters instead of tater salad. If it's not moist enough for you add some more MIRACLE WHIP and stir, do this until you get the moisture level where you want it. You can always add more tomorrow, and may have to. Them taters are thirsty! Now, add your salt, pepper, Old Bay and Celery Seed. Start with a Teaspoon of each as work up from there.

Pleeeeeease taste your food. Please? You can't judge the salt level without tasting your food.

That's it home-slice. You just made better than average, show stopping, bowl emptying tater salad.

Don't you feel like a jerk off for buying that store bought crap now? BTW. Don't bother to try and spice it up. It sucks worse when you do that. Trust me.

That's what I thought.

Salt Brined Chicken with Herbed Portabella Sauce

The Cook — Sat, 30 May 2009 01:15:00 GMT

So this is my second or third attempt at this and still, ya know, it just ain't quite what I want. I like the idea of salt brining my chicken. It's almost like Curing meat there's so much salt. But flavor? Ohhhhhh..... Sweet LORD! If I could just figure out how to get the flavor in without the salt I'd be in Heaven. So here's the To Do's and if I find a better way I'll fill ya in later.....

Salt Brine:

1/4 Cup Kosher Salt
1 TBS dried Rosemary
1 TBS dried Rubbed Sage
1 TBS Dried Thyme
1 Lemon

1 Morter and Pestal that your sister gave you as a 'thank you for being in my wedding' gift for da mashing

1 average size pack of Bone In, Skin On Chicken. I am using Thighs.

Add about a 1/4 of the 1/4 Cup of kosher salt. Now add your dried spices and get to rubbing. Smoosh, mash, and smush those babies until it's all powder. At this point toss the rest of the salt into a Ziplock. Take 1 Lemon and zest it over the pestal, and toss in any fresh herbs you like on chicken. I bruised up some more Sage and a bit of Thyme and mixed those in.    Mix your pestal product with the rest of the salt and pour it back into the pestal or measuring cup. Add the chicken to the bag in one single layer. Now dust each piece of chicken with the salt mix. Once they are all dusted (you should have used all the salt mix) squish the air out and Ziplock it. Now? We wait. 18 to 24 hours is premium. Enough time for the salt to bleed out the moisture and for it to soak back in carrying all those yummy flavors from the bag.

Please. Refridgerate the chicken during that 18 to 24 hours. We are not making a science project Okey Dokey? *grumble*

Now! To Cooooooook Ze Chickens!

I used my Dutch Oven and sloooooow roasted them at 250. Heat up the bottom of the dutch and add about 3 TBS of Olive oil. Or whatever just coat the bottom.

Rinse Well and Pat Dry Your Chicken bits. Add those to the dutch. Now, do the most awesome thing you'll do all day. Give yourself a reason to drink. Open a bottle of white wine. YOU NEED IT FOR COOKING. Add 2 or three glugs of white white to the bottom of the dutch. Now cover, toss it in the oven and walk away. Go back in an hour and a half.

During your time off from 'cooking' you should be chopping. You need to rough chop a container of portabellas and set them to the side, and decide upon a starch for this meal. Personally, I'd make a box pilaf, or some plain egg noodles, or even brown rice. Something nice and nuetral. There's plenty of The Flava' coming.

Now, after the hour and a half take that chicken outta the oven. Get a baking sheet and fish them outta there. There should be a fair amount of juice in the bottom of the dutch. Once they're on the sheet get em back in the oven and raise the temp to 350.   Take that dutch and drain most of the juice into a cup, or tin. Do not dicard the juice. IS GOOD. Leave, or add back enough to coat the bottom really well. Shake in some flour. About the equal amount. Make a paste and run it around the pan with a wisk.   Make sure it's pliable. If it need more juice add from the fat already removed until it's a nice roux.

Toss in 1 can of chicken broth and your rough chopped mushrooms. I like to add some more fresh Herbs here too. Lemon Thyme, 4 or 5 sprigs, Rosemary 1 sprig (it's strong) , and your dried stuff. Black pepper, Old Bay, and just a dash of Nutmeg. Keep wisking unitl it thickens up. It shouldn't take long.

Turn off the heat and squeeze in half the juice of a lemon, wiiiiisk.......... then! The very bestest part!  5 or so TBS of heavy cream. Or, just until it lightens the sauce..... Mmmmmm...... Heavy cream. It's not just for coffee anymore Ladies.

Take some butter and 3 or 4 sage leaves (finely diced) and smoosh it together. You can brush this over the chicken bits or microwave it for 10 seconds and spoon it over the chicken and make sure to crisp it up for about 10 minutes before you take it out of the oven. MMmmmm..... crispy chicken..... *drool*

Plate the Chicken on top of the carb and drape the chicken with the sauuuuuuuce and add the vegi to the plate. MmmmmMmMmmMm..... DrooOoOoOooooL!

I like to steam some broccoli, or cauliflower with this. You could even mash the cauliflower and turn it into 'Almost Mashed Taters' if you boil them in chicken broth then mash em. Add some butter buds, or butter, and eat!

I think next time I'll just Regular Brine the chicken, it was a bit salty. Almost ham like really. I thought the sauce would cut the salty but, sadly, no.

It looked good, the skin was crisp and flavorful, minus the salt, the chicken was flavorful, but it was still toooooooo salty.

Try Again. :/

One For My Gram

The Cook — Fri, 29 May 2009 01:59:00 GMT

Well, my Pa and I have been talking about Vegi-taaaarian food lately because my Lovely, Young, Vibrant Grandmother
doesn't like eating things with faces. We have been discussing the pro's and cons of vegi burgers. Personally, I hate
That 'Oca brand burger. I don't think the texture is right, or the flavor for that matter. Bland. Mushy. BLAH.

So we've been working our own. I have been a big advocate for the black bean variety, and so tonight I decided I'd give them a shot. Here's what you need.

For The Burgers:

1 Can of Black beans
1 Container of Portabella Mushroom Slices
1 Red Pepper
1 Vidalia Onion
1 Egg
Olive Oil
Basil
Salt
Pepper
Season Salt
Chili Powder
Old Bay
Quinoa and 1 can Chicken Broth

For The Topping:
2 Tomatoes
Diced Onion, Diced Red Pepper
Tubed Pesto
Salt
Pepper
Lemon Juice

Make the Quinoa according to direction (substituting broth for water) and set aside for several hours. Don't want to burn you little fingers.

Take one can of Black Beans and drain them, reserve the liquid. Dump those little bad boys in a big mixing bowl and get you a 'tater masher and smooooosh em up. Not too much, you don't need paste. If you wanted paste I'd-a told you dummies to use refried beans, No? Exercise is good! Use those ARMS!

Get a frying pan, dump in 3 or 4 big glugs of olive oil and give it a swirl. Make sure to cover the bottom of the pan. No reason to ruin the 'shrooms now is there? Dump in the shrooms and give em a swirl, generously salt them and add about 3 or 4 TBS of that bean juice. Thick shit right? Make sure to give it a stir.

Now add in 2 Big TBS of garlic. What is food without Garlic?   NO-Zenk! Wiz-Out Garlik Fodd iz No-Zenk!
After a few minutes add 1/4 cup lager to deglaze the pan.

BUT NOT COORS OR BUD. THAT AIN'T BEER.

Now, get-choo that nice sweet vidalia onion. Take the top off and the bottom off. Now peeeeeel that onion like you're undressing a Lady. Not really. Get the skin, and if there's a wrinkly layer underneath make sure to get that too.    Now that's nice of me, give everyone a nice visual of undressing a Pretty Lady then throw in that wrinkly bit. I am a sadistic bitch sometimes. I know it.

Now make some nice thiiiiiiin slices. Not lunch meat thin, but the tip of a pinky thin and dice them pretty aggressively. Remember, there's no meat as a binder in this equation, we have to do all the work ourselves. Dice them pretty small. Tiny. Like what you'd get at a Lunch Kart. Then, do the same with 1/2 of a red pepper. Nice and tiny.  Divide the Red Pepper and the onion in half. Use half in the burger and half in the topping.

Toss those in with the beans and give em a stir. Sure! You can keep using the 'Tater masher.   Just don't smoosh too aggressively. Now add in your seasonings. Really, this is up to you as long as you're not adding liquids. I wanted a Italian(ish) style Non-Burger so I diced up some basil, added Season Salt, Pepper, and Chili Powder and added in about half the Quinoa. Taste for flavor. Add to suit yourself. You could add some hot sauce, or more pepper, or more salt, or thyme or whatever. Just Taste Your Food! Give it a quick stir them add in the egg. Smoosh it all together until weeeeell combined. But not smashed. REMEMBER. YOU ARE NOT MAKING PASTE. IF YOU WERE I'D HAVE SAID GET THE FOOD PROCESSOR.

Scoop the mushrooms out of the pan, they should be lovely and soft by now. Put em in the food processor and wiz the shit out of em. You do, in this case, want mostly PASTE. Dump this into the bowl with all those yummy goodness and incorporate. MMmmmm.....

Pre-heat your oven to 350.

Get out a Baking Sheet and spray it down with whatever innocuous non stick spray you have. Place it close to where you'll be making these patties.

Now, we get our hands smooshy. Make little patties about the size of your palm. Just big enough to fit a pita! Make sure they are all about the same thickness. These are not cookies and will not spread. Trust me. I could not fit all my goo on one pan. Do not try. Toss that shizzle in the oven, close the door, and pop on the light so you can watch. 20 to 25 minutes is all you need for them.

While you wait chop 2 tomatoes. Halve them and give em a squeeze over the sink. Stick your finger in there and swish it around. Get most of the seedy squishy bits outta there. You won't need em. Dice it up and toss em into a bowl. Toss in that second half of the vidalia and the red pepper. Now Chiffonade some basil. Chiffonade..... thats a fancy word for chop. Huh. Fancy Schmacy Fuckers.
Now, here comes the nifty part. I got pesto in a tube.

Yeah! No shit. Pesto in a TUBE. Like toothpaste. Give your tomato mix 2 big squeezes of this pesto toothpaste and mix. TASTE IT. I added 1/2 a lemon, some salt and pepper and swirled it around. Set this aside. The longer it soaks the better it will be.

Ummm......... Condiments.........

Once you can slide a Metal! Thin! spatula under the patties you can remove them from Ze Ove-n. PLEASE. Allow them to rest. They need a minute to solidify. They are not flippin' burgers. They will break apart. Get some whole wheat pita pockets and slice them ALL THE WAY IN HALF. Trust me, it's better this way. Deposit one burger on one half of the pita and add as much condiments as you want, and drop the top on.

OK! Really, the flavor of these was pretty good. Really delishously mushroomy, and slightly sweet from the red peppers. The texture was a liiiiitle light. I think if I do this again ( and like a fool, I will) I will use brown rice, or something a bit more tough. Something a bit heavier. The Quinoa, while good for me, was a weeeeee bit light on the bite. And they didn't hold together as well as I had hoped. And the pitas fell apart. This is a JUICY Non-Burger. I think I would use a hard roll, maybe a Portuguese roll next time. Or flat bread, something that will hold up to the heat and juice better. I ended up eating mine with a fork.

But it was Hella Tasty.

What do you think? Any thoughts?

Chicken Medallions in a Portabella Mushroom Sauce

The Cook — Mon, 25 May 2009 17:59:00 GMT

I was starting to think I'd lost my touch. The last couple of things I had made were either only ok, or a complete FAIL. I hate that. So, I got some boneless, skinless chicken boobies and some portable mushrooms. It's hard to screw up fungus's. AND! I cheated and got 2 containers of pre sliced baby portables. I dumped them in a bag with a nice all purpose marinade and let em soak up all that yummy goodness.

Marinade:

Worshirshire sauce 1/4 Cup (Shuddap. No one in the WORLD can spell it, let alone SAY it)
Beer. Lager, or Amber. Please don't use Coors Light or Budweiser. They aren't beer. 1/2 12oz beer.
BBQ Sauce. A couple good dollops. Maybe 4 or 5 TBS
A Pinch of Kosher salt
A Dash of Pepper
That's it folks. Let em soak. Give em a flip if you think about it. Make sure they alllllll get some. You can leave them in the fridge all day, or do ahead if you want. You'll know when they are good and marinated, the mushrooms will be darker than when they started.

While that's getting going get out 2 chicken boobies. Cut off the remaining fat bits and make sure there's no back bone in there. Some of hose butchers just absolutely suck and getting all of it. Now hold it with one hand an make yourself some medallions. Try and keep them all about the same thickness huh? Makes cooking them easier.

Heat up your frying pan and coat with olive oil. Make sure the bottom of the pan is coated so those chickens don't stick. Throw in your pieces and give them a minute, use a wooden spoon and stir them making sure to get all the bits. Cook them until they just turned white then get um out of the pan.

Put the pan back on the heat, turn it down to a low heat and drop in 2 to 3 TBS butter and a few glugs of olive oil. Now add in flour to make a roux. Just enough to make a paste. You can always add more butter or flour. Keep stirring until it's all combined. You want to keep this on the heat until it starts turning brown. You don't really want a light roux for this. It's really ok if it's sticking to the pan, just keep working it around making sure there are no lumps. You can use a whisk but I like that same wooden spoon.

Once it's nice and brown go ahead and dump in the whole bag of mushrooms and marinade. Stir stir stir to get that roux incorporated. Lid it and walk away for 3 or 4 minutes. When you come back all that liquid should be all pasty from the roux, yes? Take one can of chicken broth and dump that in and stir until good and incorporated. Lid it and wwaaaaaalk away again. Those little mushrooms have some cooking to do. Now, if you've never used portable mushrooms before they don't shrink up like button mushrooms do. Stir randomly for about 10 minutes then uncover so the sauce can reduce. It should smell WOOOONDERFUL in your house right now. You can cook this down for up to 20 minutes just keep stirring now and again to make sure nothings sticking. If it gets too thick add a little more broth, or be like me and add just a liiiiiiitle bit of heavy cream. Shhhhh... don't tell.

I like to serve this over rice with RR's Roasted Broccoli. You can use any kind of rice you want, plain rice, a Pilaf, some kind of A Roni, or even egg noodles if you like. Just make sure it's not too salty, the chicken stuff is plenty salty enough. You could even turn this Vegetarian and use vegetable stock, and throw in a bunch of veggies instead of chicken.    It still would be good.