Ok.  I know it totally sucks some nights.  You come home from work after an exhausting day...
But, You look in the fridge and only have a few basic staples. 
Some Chicken, some wilty looking carrots, a bit of onion, celery, cream o'something soup, a bit of milk, some greek yogurt and biscuit mix.  What can you make with that that means you won't be eating at midnight?

Pot Pie bitches.  That's right, I said it.  ya HEARD??

You got the ingriendients list already but I'll measure it out for ya.....

Pie Part:
As much chicken as you have handy.  I used 5 thighs but I'm a rebel.  You could also use a couple of boobies, or one of those grocery store roasters...
4 or 5 carrots.  REAL CARROTS PLEASE.  None of those baby carrots.   Those are for assholes.
3 or 4 Celery Sticks
1 Medium Onion
1/2 bag Frozen Peas
Fresh Corn if you have it
Some left over white wine that's been in the fridge for a week...
And herbs and seasonings
2 TBS Buttah and some flour

Get your chicken and turn it into chunks.  If it's raw we need to start there.

Oil your big ass pan and heat it up at just above medium.  Toss in the Chicken and 2 teaspoons of chopped garlic.
Stir vigioursly with a wood stirring implement.

While that cooks through turn the carrots into sticks, then into chunks and toss em in the pan with the partially cooked chicken.  Swish em with your stick then go back to your cutting.

Onion and celery come next.  Give em a nice dice.  Divide the big ends of the celery before your dice.

Now your chicken and carrots should be in the pan for about 5 to 7 minutes at the most ya?

Move all the bits outta the way so you have a clear space in the middle and toss your butter and  4 or 5 TBS of flour and just work that around with your wood implement till it's most all worked together.  Once that's all gooey like a lovely Roux should be, pour in 1/4 to 1/2 cup of wine and work that around.  It should get pasty almost immediately. 

Toss in your Peas,Onion and Celery, your Cream O'soup, and 3/4 soup can of M-A_L-K and stir it around until all the cream stuff and M-A-L-K are incorporated.  Add in 8 or so turns of fresh cracked black pepper, Dried Thyme and Dried Sage to taste, and salt to taste.  Turn off the heat and get out The Big Casserole Dish.

Pour it in and pop it in the oven at 350 for 20 minutes. 

While that's a'cookin' you make the biiiiiscuits!

So simple,so easy.

Topping stuff

Biscuit mix (Bisquick, Jiffy, OR home made drop biscuits)
Greek Yogurt
Milk
Fresh Sage (or other herbs, fresh or dried.)

For 2 cups of biscuit mix
1 cup greek yogurt
4 or 5 Tablespoon finely chopped sage
Black Pepper
Once it's all mixed add milk by the TBS full until it's a good pastey and drop biscuity. 

Pop that bitch outta the oven again and add the biscuit by the spoonful to the top.  You shouldn't be able to cover the top, just make it like cobbler.  Most everything gets covered.

Back into the oven we go for about 25 minutes, on a tray this time.  You may wanna cover it with foil before you put the casserole on it.

At the 25 minute mark start tappin' the biscuits.  It should be a nice hollow sound, dense, but hollow.  I recommend about 30 minutes if you can without burning.  Taste-ah.

Get it outta the oven and do the "But I Wanna Eat It Noooow Dance"

Burn your mouth at least once.

Be Very Very happy with yourself for making such a nice, simple meal. 

Plan to eat many many leftovers in the days to come .

        

OK.  So I am going to give you THE BEST CAKE EVER recipe.  Totally super duper easy to make too.  I am working on a version that doesn't use boxed cake mix (we're gonna eat a lot of cake soon) but for now I have to share the easy peasy version.

First I must acknowledge where I got the recipe.  My friend Daiya made these in cupcake form for my hubs birthday this year and they were awesome.  In her recipe she used whipped topping and I think sour cream for the frosting.  I like cream cheese frosting better, with a super secret addition.  Here we go.

Cake Stuff:

1 Orange Supreme cake mix
1 small box Orange Jello 

Frosting:

3 Philly Cream Cheese's
Powdered sugar
OJ
The Secret Ingredient!

DUUUH douououou DUUUUUUUUH!

Cheese Cake Pudding Mix

Follow the directions on the cake mix and bake it in two 9 inch pans.  (Use non stick pans, or flour your pans.  No sticky cake kids)  When you pull it out of the oven poke it alllllll over with a toothpick.  Everywhere.  While you're poking boil 1 cup of water.  Once it's a nice boil put it in a mixing cup (with a pour spout and handle) and mix it with the J-E-L-L-O!   Now pour half over each cake.  Gently!  It won't all soak in right away.  Now, chill those puppies for at a very minimum 2 hours!

While you wait you can make the frosting.  Start with your cream cheese's at room temp, or at least mushy.  Toss them in a big ol'bowl and add 1/4 to 1/2 cup powdered sugar.  It really depends on how slow your slow speed is on your mixer.  Go slow so you don't get powdered sugar allllll over you, your kitchen, the shelves, the top of the fridge....  This will get a weee bit pasty so TBS by TBS add some OJ.  Don't forget to mix in your Cheese cake Pudding.   OOOooohhhhh.... droooooool........  Once it's all mixed let it set.  If it needs a little more liquid to be good and spready go ahead and add some more juice.  Or a touch of milk.

Now, once the cake is good and cool pop one out of it's pan and put it on your serving platter.  Now, drool a little.  Spread a good healthy portion of frosting in the middle.  (If you're fancy schmancy you cooooould pull 1/3 of the icing and mix in frozen raspberries and spread THAT in the middle of the cake.)  Plop the other cake right out of the pan and settle that one on top and finish frosting.

OH MY GOODNESS OH MY GOODNESS!

The deliciousness that will ensue!

I like to refrigerate the cake a'cuz of the cream cheese frosting, but be prepared. 

You will not have leftovers!
 

        

Chicken Noodle Soup
Chicken Noodle Soup
Chicken Noodle Soup
Wit A Soda On The Side ..


Ahhh that Webstar.  He know'd it.  Tru' DAT YO!

Everyone should have a few good chicken soup recipes.  Creamy soup, brothy rice soup and a noodle variety are really all you need.  They'll take care of your sick days, your rainy chilly days, and your sad days. 

Chicken soup is aloe for a burn....
                               A kiss to make it better....
                               The Bandaid for your boo boo.

No shit!

So I'm gonna tell you how to make The Most Fo' Shizzle Chicken Noodle Soup EVAH.

Here's the stuff.


HERBS:
Rosemary
Sage
Thyme

Stock:
2 Shank Bones
1 Whole Chicken
4-5 Stalks of Celery (Broke Up) 
4-5 Whole Carrots (Broke Up)
1 Medium Onion (Halved)
2 Lemons (In Thirds)
Liberally Salt & Pepper your chicken.

1 Cheesecloth Packet of:
4-5 Rosemary Stalks
4-5 Thyme (Or Lemon Thyme)
1 Clump of Sage
1 Bay leaf

Water to Cover

Soup Stuff:
3-4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Thighs
4-5 Whole Carrots, Diced
Celery Heart
1 Medium Onion
1 Container Portable Mushroom Slices
1 Bag Whole Wheat Egg Noodles
2 TBS Dried Thyme
DILL  (Secret Ingredient!)


Second Herby Packet:
3 Small Rosemary Sprigs
5 Thyme sprigs
1 Sage Clump

Put your Chicken in the middle of your pot and add all the veggies, salt, pepper, and herbs.  Top it all off with water.  Just till it's covered.  Put her on the stove and let her siiiiiiimmmmer.  Low low low heat.  2 hours is not really out of the question.  Deee-licious.

After about 2 hours turn her off and fetch that chicken outta the pot.  Drop it in a strainer and let it and the broth cool a bit.  After an hour or so, go ahead and strain the broth out.  Toss the shanks and veggies and crap.  That's all DONE.    Put the broth in the a-fridge-abator to chill and separate the fat and sediment.

While that's chilling skin and chunk up your whole chicken.    I usually just junk the wings.  Not much meat on there.  While I am at it I chunk up 3-4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Thighs.  Wash The Board!  The do all your veggies.  I like to dice everything except the mushrooms, but feel free to dice them too!

Pull your broth outta the fridge and scoop the fat offa the top.  Pour it back in the stock pot.  While it's re-heating toss the raw chicken chunks it, add the second herby packet.  When the chicken is cooked (10 minutes or so) toss in the carrots.  Then after 10, the mushrooms and cold chicken chunks.  Then after another 10, toss in the onion and celery.  You can probably turn off the heat now.

Boil another pot of water and do up the Whole Wheat Noodles.  Once they are done toss em in the pot o'soup.  Swish em around.

Now for your secret ingredient.  Finely chop up 1/4 cup dill.  Toss it in.  It's a Jew-y soup secret.
Add some dried Thyme if you like. I do.
Let it all marry together and serve pipping hot bowls with toasted pumpernickel bread.  Good grief is it ever good.

        

                        

I've traveled six hours to the North West to celebrate my 30th (OMFG I'm 30?? Shit.) birthday and decided on the trip I'd be doing an episode of The Cursing Cook from my grandma's house since she was one of my cooking influences while I was working my way towards my 30th (OMG) birthday. 




She want to go out for my birthday and said No Way Jose!  I brought BRISKET!  Now I am turning slightly yuppy-esque lately in that I prefer Grass Fed Beef to that awful grain fed, hormone filled crap you get at the store.  I know, just slap the shit right outta me will ya?  And it ought to be noted I am talking about brisket, and cooking it, at a vegetarians house.  Good sport isn't she?   Fair's fair and I'll tell ya allll about the veggies we made too.

And she's trying to make me believe there's Good Macaroni Salad.  Pshaw.  (Although I will admit I'd eat more of her's.  But only because it's my Grams.  And not yellow.  YARG) 

So for the brisket I made a rub, and because I got drunk the night before we had to vacuum seal it to Flash marinade it.  It was still Delicious.  Here's the rub I made.  It's more of a proportions kind of recipe than measurements.  Which is good!  It'll help ya'll get the hang of cooking by feel.  Have faith.  You can do it too!

Any-whozle!  The Rub.  It's a paste rub but you can mix all the dry bits and only grease it up when you're ready to use it.

Dry Stuff.

Smoked Paprika.  No really.  It needs to be smoked.  It tastes like something that way.
Dill.  I KNOW!  Sounds weird right?
Fresh Cracked Black Pepper.  Get a good grinder.  It's worth it.
Powdered Garlic
Dried Onion
Chili Powder
Kosher Salt (1/4 of the amount of all the other dry stuff.  No need to make it toooooo salty)

Wet Stuff

Diced, chopped, ground, paste (whatever you have) garlic.  2 or 3 heaping TBS of Garlic
Olive Oil.  Enough to make it pastey.  Not runny but smearable.

Start by rinsing your meat.

Ha. Hoo..ho. ha.  Rinsing you meat. HA.  I kill me.

Pat it dry and smear that paste on all sided.  You might want a plastic cutting board for this.  It's mess-ay.   Either marinade over night or vacuume seal it for as long as you have.  This is a long cooker so I hope you started early.  Figure on 40 minutes per pound at 300 degrees.  Make sure to put it on a rack or boiler pan, tin foil it tightly and check it every now and again.  If you start to get burned spots on the bottom of the pan add some water.  Scrubbing pans suuuuuuck. Plus you want gravy.  I alway start with water in the bottom.  It turns to broth.  No Shit.

Mmmmm..... Drool.  That's really it.  So easy.  So Good.




NOW!  For some SIDE DISHES.  Sides are sometimes the hardest to pick.  What goes with what meat.... what will every one like.... what isn't going to make you feel like you ate a brick?  At Grams it's always easy.  VEGGIES! 

I did some Roasted Broccoli.
(Broccoli florets coated in olive oil, chopped garlic and dusted with kosher salt.  You can even add a dash of chili powder.)

Roasted Cauliflower
(Same same as broccoli.)

Roast both at 350 for 25 to 30 minutes.

Yellow and Green Zucchini
(Olive oil, diced ginger (OOO ZINGY) and roast it off in the oven too.  Same bat channel same bat temp)

ALL VEGGIES NEED TO BE FLIPPED AT LEAST ONCE.  DO NOT LET THEM STICK.  Once they are out of the oven put them in a serving dish (or leave them on the cookie sheets, if you wanna be like me) and sprinkle them with Kosher Salt.

Roseeeeeeeemarty Smashed A-taters
I never peel taters.  Cut out the bad bits, chunk em up and boil them bitches.  I'm all about the easy.
I prefer fresh rosemary, but this time Mrs. Surra gave us some of her Daughters Dried rosemary.  I just poured a little heavy cream in a sauce pan, 1 TBS o'buttah and 3 or 4 big shakes of dried rosemary.  Heat it gently and stir it occasionally.  No need to boil, just reconstitute the herbies.  Once the taters are fall of'in the spork tender, drain and toss back in the pot.  Some peeps Rice there taters.  I don't have a ricer (yet) so we smash.  Add 1/2 to 1 stick oh'buttah, the rest of one of them little heavy creams and the herbed cream on the stove, and salt and pepper it too.  Give em a final smash to mix it all together and lid that baby to hold in the heat.

The last hour or so take the tin foil of'in the brisket (Keep the foil, we'll use it again later.)  You should salivate just by looking in the direction of the oven.

Once you get it out of the oven move the brisket off the pan and cover it again with your foil.  Meat needs to rest.  Ten minutes or so should be good. Think of it this way.  When you cook meat it's like wringing a wash cloth.  The juice gets squeezed out as the meat tightens up.  When you let meat rest it's like putting the washcloth down.  It unwinds to a more natural position allowing the juice to redistribute.  Make sense, no? 

Jeez, off track much?  NEVER.

I made gravy with the drippings. I made a runny paste out of flour and water first.  Drained the broiler pan into a sauce pan and added broth.  It will be SUPER salty if you don't add some more broth.  Drizzle in the runny paste while whisking vigorously.  No Lumps. REAL LOW HEAT helps not make tiny biscuits in your gravy.  Tiny bi quits kinda suck.




Now it's time to eat.  The brisket should be fork tender.  I did slices so everyone could get some of the tasty rub goodness. Load up your plates and dig in.  It's almost like a holiday.

WAIT A MINUTE!  MY BIRTHDAY SHOULD BE A FREAKIN NATIONAL HOLIDAY!! 

        

So about two weeks ago my dad forwarded me a recipe from Allrecipes.com.  We often discuss food we refer to as "Grandma Food".  Meaning 'Meatless' food otherwise known as "vegetarian food'.  He sent me this recipe and we both agree it was a good jumping off point.  Here's what I did.

1 box of Shells
1 box sliced baby Portabellas
1/2 Medium Onion
8 to 10 Asparagus's's's
1/2 Green Pepper
1/2 Red Pepper
1 Small Head Broccoli Florets
1/2 a Large Container Riccotta
1 Small Mozzarella Round
2 bags Shredded Mozzarella
1 Big Ass Jar/Can/Container Basketti Sauce
Salt
Pepper
Worshireshireshire
1/2 Beer

Start ahead with the mushrooms.  Chop them all up in a nice uniform dice and toss em in a ziplock with 6 - 8 dashes of worshireshire and half a beer.  Put that in the fridge over night.

Now I'm gonna teach you a trick about Asparagus.  Take the asparagus by the ends.  Bend it until it snaps.  The skinny end is what you should eat.  Toss the rest.  Dice the skinny bits up pretty small.  Do the rest of the veggies approximately the same size.  You should also only use the broccoli florets in this.  The stems are a little woody.  Make sure to cut them nice and small.  Tiny Little Trees.

Put your big ass pot of SALTED water on to boil.  You DO know how to boil noodles don't you????

Get your mushrooms outta the fridge and dump the whoooooole kit and caboodle in a sauté pan (make sure it's big enough for all the veggies).  After the first minute or two toss in the rest of your veggies and swish em around until they are soft.   Stain them in the sink, toss them back in the pan and afridgabate those bitches.  They need to be fairly cool to handle.

While those bits are chilling, get your Ricotta and Mozzarella out.  Shred the mozzarella and  mix it with the ricotta.  Remember to salt them.  They are saltless and waiting for the flavah!  Fresh cracked pepper too.  Once the veggies are cooled toss them in with your cheeeeeses and mix. 

I'm going to assume you have your noodles out by now.  Sweet baby jesus you should.  If you don't you probably have a pot full of mush.  They need to be cool enough to handle and not too soft huh?  Al dente?  Slightly chewy.  BUT COOKED THROUGH.  If you bite it and it snaps in the middle it ain't done yet.  Geez.

Get out whatever pan you're using to cook em in and spray the bottom LIGHTLY with oil then coat with spaghetti sauce.  Set that right near you, where ever you'll be assembling your veggie, cheesy pretties.  (I used three 9 inch pie rounds)

Fish out one of your shells and pop her open.  Sometimes they put up a fight and you need you pry em open.  Pricks.  Get a regular old spoon out of the drawer and force feed it into them shells.  Line them all up in your baking apparatus and does them in moooore basketti sauce and cover in tin foil.  Pop em in the oven at 350 for twenty odd minutes then peel the foil and mozzarella the crap outta the top of em.  Back in the oven until they are nice and melty.  MMmmmmm....

I like this with Garlic Bread.  Allow me to recommend you get a loaf of whole wheat Italian bread and cut it in half, a stick of warm buttah, 2 heaping tablespoons of garlic, a dash of salt, a few twists of fresh cracked black pepper and my secret ingredient garlic POWDER.  Mix that all together and smear it on both sides, then cover it with MORE Mozzarella.  Pop it on a baking sheet and into the oven it goes while the pasta comes out.  Re cover the pasta to keep it nice and hot now all you gotta do is wait until the cheese is melty (I KNOW!  Always waiting for that bastardly cheese to melt!)

Make up a simple salad and it's dinah bitches! 

Please note.  I loved mine.  They were Delicious.  But I forgot to put the asparagus's in there.  Which turned out ok because I used them in rissotto tonight but that's a recipe for another day...... 

        

I made delicious chicken last night.  And took Not. One. Picture.  Rats. 

BUT!

Thats ok.  I can tell you how I did it.


Easy peasy.

Fresh herbs.  Sage.  6 -10 leaves.

Grey POO-PON grainy mustard.

Local Honey.  Get local honey.  They say it helps you immunize yourself against pollen.  Similar to how a vaccine works.  But all natural.  YAY.  Use about 1/4 cup.  That's a lot of honey.

Lime.  1 juicy lime.  You could zest it too.  I didn't but you could if you like a bit more kick in your shit.  I used all the juice.

Buttah.  2 TBS

A touch of Olive Oil.

1 Magic Bullet mixer.  I {heart} Mine. 

Toss all that shit in the bullet and mix. 

Use it on Chicken or turkey.  Equally delicious.  After the skin has crisped up paint this on the last 10 minutes or so and let it work right on in.  *mmmmmm.*

You may notice I added no salt or pepper.  This is under the assumption that you liberally salted and peppered your chicken initially.  You should, you know.   Always dose your chicken or turkey with salt and pepper before you cook it.  You should also probably brine it.  That makes deeeeeeeeeeeelicious juicy meat. 

A Brine is super simple.

1 Gallon water
1 1/2 Cup Kosher Salt (1 cup regular salt)
Lime
Orange
Whatever citrus you happen to have cut in half or thirds
1 Onjion Halved or Thirds
4 or 5 Smashed Garlic Cloves, just put them on The Burgoon Board, lay the knife flat on top of the clove and give it a wack with the heel of your hand.  Peels the skin off and gives it a nice smoosh.
Fresh herbs.  I like a couple sprigs of Rosemary, and some Sage, Thyme if you have it..
1/2 Cup Brown Sugar.

Put the water in your Big Assed Pot
Turn on the heat
Pour in salt and sugar and stir until dissolved.
Allow to cool.  We're not cooking the chicken in this juice, juuuuust letting her soak.
Add your fruits, seasonings, herbs and onjion
Toss in chicken
Toss into fridge for 12 to 24 hours.

Remove chickens from brine when ready to cook.  Give em a rinse under the tap and pat em dry.

Now grill or oven roast em as you normally would.  You can even make some tasty ass graaaavy with the drippings.  

MMmm... Gravy.......

        

NUTHIN'.

So get to boilin' bitches.  Seriously, if you still buy that yellow tinged tasteless shit from The Market STOP IT RIGHT THIS MINUTE.  Do we even know WHY it's yellowish??   I don't fucking think so Batman.  YARG.

Here's what you need.

5 LB Bag o'taters.  I like red ones, but you could use Yukon Golds, or regular old white taters.  What ever floats your boat, or you happen to have handy.  Even if they're slightly mushy.  If you can squeeeeze em and they seem to be growing weird green sticky things out of them like bug legs they are still ok, not optimal, but ok.  Just cut off the bug legs first huh? 
1 Big Ass Vidallia.  For the uninitiated, that's an onion dummy.  Geez.....
1 Celery heart in a bag.
1/2 to 3/4 container of MIRACLE WHIP.  Put the 'Salad Dressing' or 'Maaaaayyyyyyyooooooonnaaaaaiiiiise' away.  They are bland and oily and down right GROSS. 
Salt
Peppa
Old Bay *****CRITICAL SEASONING
Celery Seed ****CRITICAL SEASONING

Possible Additions that are tasty
Broccoli
Cheese chunks
Sweet Relish
Hard Boiled Eggs
Toasted Walnut Garnish
Toasted Almond Slivers
Bacon Bits as a garnish or mixed in.  *droooool*
Shredded Carrots
Dry Powdered Ranch Dressing
Honey for just a touch of sweetness.


Start at least one day ahead.  This is an easy project but time consuming.  And it's better if it sits over night and those tasty taters get to soak up all that flaaaaaaavor.

Rip open the bag of taters next to your sink and get out a colander.
Give em a rinse and with a paring knife cut out the eyes (bug legs) Black Spots and Gouges.  Pop em in the colander.  No need to skin em, the skin is good for you.  Did you know you burn more calories digesting the skin because it's more fibrous and it takes your body more work to turn it into poop? 

No Shit.

*Crickets*........ Guess that wasn't as funny as I thought.  Moving on......

Get your big pot.  Fill it with COLD water, remember to compensate for the amount of taters you are putting in there.  Starchy water is a bitch when it's burnt to your stove.  Salt it generously.  Now Chop your raw taters into average sized bits.  No need to be perfect.  Just get em all about the same size and small enough to fit in your mouth. 

As you chop, toss em in the water.  Once you're done and they are all swimming together lid that bitch.  Turn the heat ALL THE WAY UP and let her rock and roll.  Once it starts to boil slide the lid to the side so there is an air gap of about 1/2 inch.  That should help prevent boil over.  Remember to give em a swish every own and again and have a fork handy.  We're about to stab some bitches.

While those are getting all hot and smushy we need to do some chopping!

Get your Vidallia out and give it a nice sized dice.  I like big bits in my tater salad.  Do the same with your celery.  If your doing broccoli's now would be the time. 



*NOTE.  Please.  I know most of you aren't IDIOTS.  Please don't use frozen broccolis.  Think before you thaw ok?  They will be mushy and probably slimy.  Use fresh you lazy fuck, it's not that difficult to chop up.  Make sure to chop it into smaller bite size bites ok?  No Tater mountains or giant broccoli trees are necessary in this.  It's not play food and we will not make Devil's Tower.

(Name the Movie)

After about 10 minutes start poking your taters with a fork.  When the tater bite slides off the fork before it's out of the water they are done.  Straiiiin those babies and run some COLD water on em.    Let them sit and drip for 10 minutes or so, then toss em back in the pot and put it in the fridge.  Now walk away.

Watch 2 Tv Sitcoms, or most of a movie.  Once the tater bites are nice and chilled, and not just the out side ones we can start ze miiiixingK.

Pull your pot outta the Frigidaire.  Dump in Celeries, Onjions, and 1/2 jar of MIRACLE WHIP. 





IF YOU USE MAYO YOU HAVE RUUUUUUIIIIINED IT.  NO LONGER FOOD.  THROW IT A-WAY!

That, in other words, is a Giant Fail Whale.

Give it a stir, careful.  Don't mash em.  You don't want mashed taters instead of tater salad.  If it's not moist enough for you add some more MIRACLE WHIP and stir, do this until you get the moisture level where you want it.  You can always add more tomorrow, and may have to.  Them taters are thirsty!  Now, add your salt, pepper, Old Bay and Celery Seed.  Start with a Teaspoon of each as work up from there. 

Pleeeeeease taste your food.  Please?  You can't judge the salt level without tasting your food.

That's it home-slice.  You just made better than average, show stopping, bowl emptying tater salad.

Don't you feel like a jerk off for buying that store bought crap now?  BTW.  Don't bother to try and spice it up.  It sucks worse when you do that.  Trust me.

That's what I thought. 

        

So this is my second or third attempt at this and still, ya know, it just ain't quite what I want.  I like the idea of salt brining my chicken.  It's almost like Curing meat there's so much salt.  But flavor?  Ohhhhhh..... Sweet LORD!  If I could just figure out how to get the flavor in without the salt I'd be in Heaven.  So here's the To Do's and if I find a better way I'll fill ya in later.....

Salt Brine:

1/4 Cup Kosher Salt
1 TBS dried Rosemary
1 TBS dried Rubbed Sage
1 TBS Dried Thyme
1 Lemon

1 Morter and Pestal that your sister gave you as a 'thank you for being in my wedding' gift for da mashing

1 average size pack of Bone In, Skin On Chicken.  I am using Thighs.



Add about a 1/4 of the 1/4 Cup of kosher salt.  Now add your dried spices and get to rubbing.  Smoosh, mash, and smush those babies until it's all powder.  At this point toss the rest of the salt into a Ziplock.  Take 1 Lemon and zest it over the pestal, and toss in any fresh herbs you like on chicken.  I bruised up some more Sage and a bit of Thyme and mixed those in.    Mix your pestal product with the rest of the salt and pour it back into the pestal or measuring cup.  Add the chicken to the bag in one single layer.  Now dust each piece of chicken with the salt mix.  Once they are all dusted (you should have used all the salt mix) squish the air out and Ziplock it.  Now?  We wait.  18 to 24 hours is premium.  Enough time for the salt to bleed out the moisture and for it to soak back in carrying all those yummy flavors from the bag.

Please.  Refridgerate the chicken during that 18 to 24 hours.  We are not making a science project Okey Dokey? *grumble*

Now!  To Cooooooook Ze Chickens!

I used my Dutch Oven and sloooooow roasted them at 250.  Heat up the bottom of the dutch and add about 3 TBS of Olive oil.  Or whatever just coat the bottom.

Rinse Well and Pat Dry Your Chicken bits.  Add those to the dutch.  Now, do the most awesome thing you'll do all day.  Give yourself a reason to drink.  Open a bottle of white wine.  YOU NEED IT FOR COOKING.  Add 2 or three glugs of white white to the bottom of the dutch.  Now cover, toss it in the oven and walk away.  Go back in an hour and a half.

During your time off from 'cooking' you should be chopping.  You need to rough chop a container of portabellas and set them to the side, and decide upon a starch for this meal.  Personally, I'd make a box pilaf, or some plain egg noodles, or even brown rice.  Something nice and nuetral.  There's plenty of The Flava' coming. 

Now, after the hour and a half take that chicken outta the oven.  Get a baking sheet and fish them outta there.  There should be a fair amount of juice in the bottom of the dutch.  Once they're on the sheet get em back in the oven and raise the temp to 350.   Take that dutch and drain most of the juice into a cup, or tin.  Do not dicard the juice.  IS GOOD.  Leave, or add back enough to coat the bottom really well.  Shake in some flour.  About the equal amount.  Make a paste and run it around  the pan with a wisk.   Make sure it's pliable.  If it need more juice add from the fat already removed until it's a nice roux. 

Toss in 1 can of chicken broth and your rough chopped mushrooms.  I like to add some more fresh Herbs here too.  Lemon Thyme, 4 or 5 sprigs, Rosemary 1 sprig (it's strong) , and your dried stuff.  Black pepper, Old Bay, and just a dash of Nutmeg.  Keep wisking unitl it thickens up.  It shouldn't take long. 

Turn off the heat and squeeze in half the juice of a lemon, wiiiiisk.......... then!  The very bestest part!  5 or so TBS of heavy cream.  Or, just until it lightens the sauce.....  Mmmmmm...... Heavy cream.  It's not just for coffee anymore Ladies.

Take some butter and 3 or 4 sage leaves (finely diced) and smoosh it together.  You can brush this over the chicken bits or microwave it for 10 seconds and spoon it over the chicken and make sure to crisp it up for about 10 minutes before you take it out of the oven.  MMmmmm..... crispy chicken..... *drool*

Plate the Chicken on top of the carb and drape the chicken with the sauuuuuuuce and add the vegi to the plate.  MmmmmMmMmmMm..... DrooOoOoOooooL!



I like to steam some broccoli, or cauliflower with this.  You could even mash the cauliflower and turn it into 'Almost Mashed Taters' if you boil them in chicken broth then mash em. Add some butter buds, or butter, and eat!

I think next time I'll just Regular Brine the chicken, it was a bit salty.  Almost ham like really.  I thought the sauce would cut the salty but, sadly, no.  

It looked good, the skin was crisp and flavorful, minus the salt, the chicken was flavorful, but it was still toooooooo salty. 

Try Again. :/

        

Well, my Pa and I have been talking about Vegi-taaaarian food lately because my Lovely, Young, Vibrant Grandmother
doesn't like eating things with faces.  We have been discussing the pro's and cons of vegi burgers.  Personally, I hate
That 'Oca brand burger.  I don't think the texture is right, or the flavor for that matter.  Bland.  Mushy.  BLAH.

So we've been working our own.  I have been a big advocate for the black bean variety, and so tonight I decided I'd give them a shot. Here's what you need.

For The Burgers:

1 Can of Black beans 
1 Container of Portabella Mushroom Slices
1 Red Pepper
1 Vidalia Onion
1 Egg
Olive Oil
Basil
Salt
Pepper
Season Salt
Chili Powder
Old Bay
Quinoa and 1 can Chicken Broth

For The Topping:
2 Tomatoes
Diced Onion, Diced Red Pepper
Tubed Pesto
Salt
Pepper
Lemon Juice



Make the Quinoa according to direction (substituting broth for water) and set aside for several hours.  Don't want to burn you little fingers.

Take one can of Black Beans and drain them, reserve the liquid.  Dump those little bad boys in a big mixing bowl and get you a 'tater masher and smooooosh em up.  Not too much, you don't need paste.  If you wanted paste I'd-a told you dummies to use refried beans, No?  Exercise is good!  Use those ARMS!

Get a frying pan, dump in 3 or 4 big glugs of olive oil and give it a swirl.  Make sure to cover the bottom of the pan.  No reason to ruin the 'shrooms now is there?  Dump in the shrooms and give em a swirl, generously salt them and add about 3 or 4 TBS of that bean juice.  Thick shit right?  Make sure to give it a stir. 

Now add in 2 Big TBS of garlic.  What is food without Garlic?   NO-Zenk!  Wiz-Out Garlik Fodd iz No-Zenk!
After a few minutes add 1/4 cup lager to deglaze the pan. 

BUT NOT COORS OR BUD.  THAT AIN'T BEER.

Now, get-choo that nice sweet vidalia onion.  Take the top off and the bottom off.  Now peeeeeel that onion like you're undressing a Lady.  Not really.  Get the skin, and if there's a wrinkly layer underneath make sure to get that too.    Now that's nice of me, give everyone a nice visual of undressing a Pretty Lady then throw in that wrinkly bit.  I am a sadistic bitch sometimes.  I know it.

Now make some nice thiiiiiiin slices.  Not lunch meat thin, but the tip of a pinky thin and dice them pretty aggressively.  Remember, there's no meat as a binder in this equation, we have to do all the work ourselves.  Dice them pretty small.  Tiny.  Like what you'd get at a Lunch Kart.  Then, do the same with 1/2 of a red pepper.  Nice and tiny.  Divide the Red Pepper and the onion in half.  Use half in the burger and half in the topping.

Toss those in with the beans and give em a stir.  Sure!  You can keep using the 'Tater masher.   Just don't smoosh too aggressively.  Now add in your seasonings.  Really, this is up to you as long as you're not adding liquids.  I wanted a Italian(ish) style Non-Burger so I diced up some basil, added Season Salt, Pepper, and Chili Powder and added in about half the Quinoa.  Taste for flavor.  Add to suit yourself.  You could add some hot sauce, or more pepper, or more salt, or thyme or whatever.  Just Taste Your Food!  Give it a quick stir them add in the egg.  Smoosh it all together until weeeeell combined.  But not smashed.  REMEMBER.  YOU ARE NOT MAKING PASTE.  IF YOU WERE I'D HAVE SAID GET THE FOOD PROCESSOR.

Scoop the mushrooms out of the pan, they should be lovely and soft by now.  Put em in the food processor and wiz the shit out of em.  You do, in this case, want mostly PASTE.  Dump this into the bowl with all those yummy goodness and incorporate. MMmmmm.....

Pre-heat your oven to 350.

Get out a Baking Sheet and spray it down with whatever innocuous non stick spray you have.  Place it close to where you'll be making these patties.

Now, we get our hands smooshy.  Make little patties about the size of your palm.  Just big enough to fit a pita!  Make sure they are all about the same thickness.  These are not cookies and will not spread.  Trust me.  I could not fit all my goo on one pan.  Do not try.  Toss that shizzle in the oven, close the door, and pop on the light so you can watch.  20 to 25 minutes is all you need for them.



While you wait chop 2 tomatoes.  Halve them and give em a squeeze over the sink.  Stick your finger in there and swish it around.  Get most of the seedy squishy bits outta there.  You won't need em.  Dice it up and toss em into a bowl.  Toss in that second half of the vidalia and the red pepper.  Now Chiffonade some basil.  Chiffonade..... thats a fancy word for chop. Huh.  Fancy Schmacy Fuckers.
Now, here comes the nifty part.  I got pesto in a tube. 



Yeah!  No shit.  Pesto in a TUBE.  Like toothpaste.  Give your tomato mix 2 big squeezes of this pesto toothpaste and mix.  TASTE IT.  I added 1/2 a lemon, some salt and pepper and swirled it around.  Set this aside.  The longer it soaks the better it will be. 

Ummm......... Condiments.........

Once you can slide a Metal!  Thin! spatula under the patties you can remove them from Ze Ove-n.  PLEASE.  Allow them to rest.  They need a minute to solidify.  They are not flippin' burgers.  They will break apart.  Get some whole wheat pita pockets and slice them ALL THE WAY IN HALF.  Trust me, it's better this way.  Deposit one burger on one half of the pita and add as much condiments as you want, and drop the top on.

OK!  Really, the flavor of these was pretty good.  Really delishously mushroomy, and slightly sweet from the red peppers.  The texture was a liiiiitle light.  I think if I do this again ( and like a fool, I will) I will use brown rice, or something a bit more tough.  Something a bit heavier.  The Quinoa, while good for me, was a weeeeee bit light on the bite.  And they didn't hold together as well as I had hoped.  And the pitas fell apart.  This is a JUICY Non-Burger.  I think I would use a hard roll, maybe a Portuguese roll next time.  Or flat bread, something that will hold up to the heat and juice better.  I ended up eating mine with a fork. 

But it was Hella Tasty.

What do you think?  Any thoughts?

        

I was starting to think I'd lost my touch.  The last couple of things I had made were either only ok, or a complete FAIL.  I hate that.  So, I got some boneless, skinless chicken boobies and some portable mushrooms.  It's hard to screw up fungus's.  AND!  I cheated and got 2 containers of pre sliced baby portables.  I dumped them in a bag with a nice all purpose marinade and let em soak up all that yummy goodness.

Marinade:

Worshirshire sauce 1/4 Cup (Shuddap.  No one in  the WORLD can spell it, let alone SAY it)
Beer.  Lager, or Amber.  Please don't use Coors Light or Budweiser.  They aren't beer.  1/2 12oz beer.
BBQ Sauce.  A couple good dollops.  Maybe 4 or 5 TBS
A Pinch of Kosher salt
A Dash of Pepper
That's it folks.  Let em soak.  Give em a flip if you think about it.  Make sure they alllllll get some.  You can leave them in the fridge all day, or do ahead if you want.  You'll know when they are good and marinated, the mushrooms will be darker than when they started.



While that's getting going get out 2 chicken boobies.  Cut off the remaining fat bits and make sure there's no back bone in there.  Some of hose butchers just absolutely suck and getting all of it.  Now hold it with one hand an make yourself some medallions.  Try and keep them all about the same thickness huh?  Makes cooking them easier.



Heat up your frying pan and coat with olive oil.  Make sure the bottom of the pan is coated so those chickens don't stick.  Throw in your pieces and give them a minute, use a wooden spoon and stir them making sure to get all the bits.  Cook them until they just turned white then get um out of the pan. 



Put the pan back on the heat, turn it down to a low heat and drop in 2 to 3 TBS butter and a few glugs of olive oil.  Now add in flour to make a roux.  Just enough to make a paste.  You can always add more butter or flour.  Keep stirring until it's all combined.  You want to keep this on the heat until it starts turning brown.  You don't really want a light roux for this.  It's really ok if it's sticking to the pan, just keep working it around making sure there are no lumps.  You can use a whisk but I like that same wooden spoon.   



Once it's nice and brown go ahead and dump in the whole bag of mushrooms and marinade.  Stir stir stir to get that roux incorporated.  Lid it and walk away for 3 or 4 minutes.  When you come back all that liquid should be all pasty from the roux, yes?  Take one can of chicken broth and dump that in and stir until good and incorporated.  Lid it and wwaaaaaalk away again.  Those little mushrooms have some cooking to do.  Now, if you've never used portable mushrooms before they don't shrink up like button mushrooms do.  Stir randomly for about 10 minutes then uncover so the sauce can reduce.  It should smell WOOOONDERFUL in your house right now.  You can cook this down for up to 20 minutes just keep stirring now and again to make sure nothings sticking.  If it gets too thick add a little more broth, or be like me and add just a liiiiiiitle bit of heavy cream.  Shhhhh... don't tell.   



I like to serve this over rice with RR's Roasted Broccoli.  You can use any kind of rice you want, plain rice, a Pilaf, some kind of A Roni, or even egg noodles if you like.  Just make sure it's not too salty, the chicken stuff is plenty salty enough.  You could even turn this Vegetarian and use vegetable stock, and throw in a bunch of veggies instead of chicken.    It still would be good.